Brenty Four 2013 - Chapter 19
Although horrified at the Frankenstein’s Monster figure that stared back at me, I was soon keen to see what my new super powers were. Would I be able to see through walls and therefore know whether a filing cabinet was worth prising open with a tyre iron or not? Would I be able to move at ten times the speed of a normal human being and thus be able to get to the first non-reserved row of seating at fascinating technical lectures and events? Maybe I’d even be able to make myself invisible and thus be in a position to find out what Smasher really does in that dungeon of his. I’ve always been sceptical of his claims that he’s seeking a greater understanding of mediaeval torture scenes in time travel based television programmes. Occasionally, when I’m feeling very mean spirited, I speculate that he might have a rather disturbing interest in actual history. Not television history – outside history. Kings, Queens and all that Cretan jazz. Though, of course, the two things were mutually exclusive – if I was a half-human-half-cyborg in the twenty eighth century then Smasher was long since dead and if I wasn’t a half-human-half-cyborg in the twenty eighth century then Smasher was alive and I couldn’t become invisible. I decided to clear this up with Maitland – or Cossette, or a figment of my imagination – once and for all.
“What does this metal brain enable me to do?” I asked.
“We couldn’t find the box it came in I’m afraid” he said apologetically. “But I’ve looked it up in the Pioneer’s supplies log and the Electro-Think 2000 has 48k of memory and one hundred mega-beats of storage capacity. These are enormous numbers even in the twenty eighth century.”
“Can I use it to become invisible?”
“No.”
“Does it give me super human speed?”
“No.”
“X-ray vision?”
“No.”
“What can I do with it?”
“You should be able to lead a more or less normal life” he said comfortingly.
“That’s not how cyborg conversion works” I scoffed. “The Cybermen didn’t stomp around telling people they were going to convert them and that as a result they would lead a more or less normal life. I demand to be stripped of my humanity and given extra powers as recompense.”
“Oh – there is one thing” he remembered.
“What is it? It better be good or I’ll get my solicitor to send you a very stiff letter if you still have paper in the twenty eighth century.”
“Sadly we don’t – all our correspondence is sent by electric facsimile machines nowadays. There hasn’t been paper big enough to write letters on since all the trees were eaten by giant space moths in the twenty fourth century. We have books of course but they are made out of a synthetic lead-based substance that looks like paper and has no long term health concerns that we’ve been made aware of.”
“Well, out with it, what can my new head do for me?”
“You have a socket at the top of your head.”
I felt around for it and found it as described.
“Confirmed.”
“This is a direct access port which lets you plug your Electro-Think 2000 directly into computer terminals such as, for example, the NUDE memory banks.”
“That sounds splendid” I enthused. The robotic half of my brain resisted the enthusiasm but I was insistent.
“We only have one wire but it should work.”
Ten minutes later I was plugged directly into NUDE. The downside was that the wire was only a foot long and my legs didn’t bend at the knees so I had to be bent double in order to plug myself into NUDE but it was worth it. As soon as Maitland hooked me up I saw a cursor in front of my eyes. I only had to think the words and they were typed into the interface.
“GANACHE, Sebastian” I thought. The words PLEASE WAIT appeared in my eyes.
“GANACHE, Sebastian” came the reply. “Minor writer and football comic collector. Run over by a motorcar in 2023 but survived. Hit by a falling brick 2024 but survived. Accidentally ingested poison in 2025 but survived. Stabbed by a monk 2026 but survived. Fell into an icy lake 2027 but survived. Had a fight with a leopard 2028 but survived. Became radioactive 2029 but survived in isolation. Choked to death on an orange pip 2030.”
I was quite pleased with that. If I ever travelled back to 2030 I would pay whatever it took to get hold of that orange and freeze it for posterity. Just for a chuckle I searched again.
“KNIGHT OF TEMPERUS”
PLEASE WAIT.
“KNIGHT OF TEMPERUS is a television series which has been running continuously since 2014 and is the longest running science fiction programme of all time (723 seasons). Considered by most to be the most interesting series ever made and has created several spinoffs. KNIGHT OF TEMPERUS, The World Of is an interactive theme park in which people can see props, sets and costumes as well as take ride through time in TARDIS 1. KNIGHT OF TEMPERUS The Archive Of is the world’s only publically accessible production document archive and receives over twenty million visitors a year…”
I jerked my head back, causing pain in my few remaining organic bits, and disconnecting my head from NUDE. This was wrong, wrong, wrong. Plain wrong, Fruit flavoured wrong even. Wrong, wrong, wrong. In my anger and the sudden loss of the restraining wire I might’ve fallen backwards and landed on my back with my legs in the air.
“Dennis Brent?” said a voice from not that far above me.
“Arghh” I squawked for the face was not human.
“I’m Fingers – I may look a little strange to you, being an alien content with my similarity, but I’m here to see you. Dennis Brent? Dennis Brent?”
Things became hazy again – possibly my Electro-Think 2000 malfunctioning due to be overloaded by the organic half of my brain being so active.
“Dennis Brent?”
“Arghh” I said again. The face was a little different but…
“Fingers?” I asked.
“Ho ho ho” he chuckled. “You could say that.”
“Lola Whitecastle told Mr Heritage that we were under the weather so he popped along to wish us a speedy recovery” explained Francois Devine.
“Stanley Heritage?” I gasped.
“The same.”
“Do you have any old scripts or other production documentation squirreled away at home?”
“I’m afraid I don’t” he admitted.
Do you have any telesnaps from Adventures into Space?”
“I only wish I did.”
“Did you keep any costumes or props from your time in the series?”
“Sadly not.”
“Oh well” I sighed philosophically, Stanley Herritage having outstayed his welcome already.
Francois Devine and I sat back in silence and waited for the old man to leave.
