Advice on making a commitment ...

[WhiteCrow]

I have a friend who's getting married, his name is Juan Carlos.

What from your personal experience would be your one piece of advice for someone going into a commitment with their partner?

The one piece I've given him was that you shouldn't go into your Wedding Day and make on this one day a commitment "until the end of time".

Instead you need to make a commitment on that day, and every morning and every night you have to make that commitment all over again, and that's how your relationship stays together.

[Jon Masters]

Accpet the fact that you going to fall out with each other on occasions, but never let a row last more than 1 day.

[Ralph]

but never let a row last more than 1 day.

Sorry to be cynical but I don't think women are designed that way

[Dirk Gently]

Never go to bed angry if at all possible.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

COMMUNICATE!

[Trudi G]

As we're all living longer, i think it's impossible to be committed to someone for life. So my advice would be - don't do it! If you both love each other, you don't need a piece of paper to prove anything.

[Dirk Gently]

As we're all living longer, i think it's impossible to be committed to someone for life.

I sincerely hope you're wrong Trudi.

[Trudi G]

In 1961, there were 27,224 divorces in Great Britain.
Between 2004 and 2005, the number of divorces granted in the UK was 155,052.

Don't think you can argue with the figures...

[Dirk Gently]

Just because divorce is easier now doesn't mean staying committed to a relationship for life is 'impossible'.

[Jon Masters]

Sorry to be cynical but I don't think women are designed that way

@ Ralph - you've never seen me have a really hissy fit - I can do the 'silent treatment' for a week if I want to

for Tim

[Ralph]

Never go to bed angry if at all possible.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

COMMUNICATE!

I never wanted that but I was never allowed to have it on many occasions despite my best efforts

[Trudi G]

Just because divorce is easier now doesn't mean staying committed to a relationship for life is 'impossible'.

It isn't bloody easier - i've been trying to get divorced for over a year. (Plus we've had to have been seperated for 3 years)

[WhiteCrow]

Just because divorce is easier now doesn't mean staying committed to a relationship for life is 'impossible'.

As Craig Charles once said "marrages which don't end in divorce end in death ..."

[Whitney]

Instead you need to make a commitment on that day, and every morning and every night you have to make that commitment all over again, and that's how your relationship stays together.

There's a Dharma and Greg erisode that has that in it. Dharma's parents aren't married, but every day they promise all over again to be together another day

Dharma says that as a kid, she would wonder every day if today was going to be the day they decided not to promise.

[Carol Baynes]

It isn't bloody easier - i've been trying to get divorced for over a year. (Plus we've had to have been seperated for 3 years)

You have to remember that divorce wasn't as common in the past due to social stigma, and a coupl ewas as likely to get married for money and security as love and commitment (not to say that doesn't happen still). Plus most couples stayed together even if the marriage was a poor one, wheras today it's unlikely they would.

Good luck with the divorce though. My sister recently divorced and it's a draining experience sometimes, so you take care.

[Dirk Gently]

Quite right Carol. It is 'socially' easier to get a divorce today & when my Sister-in-law decided my brother was "too boring" to continue their marriage it was all over in 18 months. Now she has the badge of 'divorce' which in her circle of friends is a badge of honour of 'been there, done that' & that, it seems, is what she wanted. (Although I think the idea was rosier than the reality).
My other Sister-in-law has just left my oldest brother (temporary separation) for no reason that anyone can fathom (including her self) & her parents are not happy (old fashioned folk) but that's not stopped her. They've been together for 19years & married for nearly 16years.
This is just how life is these days, no one wants to stay together & fight for their marriage. It seems to me that at the first sign of trouble they bail out & apply for a divorce.


P.S (This is in no way a comment on your circumstances of which I know nothing).

[Carol Baynes]

P.S (This is in no way a comment on your circumstances of which I know nothing).

Oh, I've never been married, never mind divorced!
My sister was married for 10 years this March, and they both made a considered decision. There's my nephew involved too, but I'm glad to say they've put him first all the way so that's good. They actually stayed together as long as they could for him, but in the long run it's been far more harmonious to part ways.

[Dirk Gently]

That last line of mine is also for Trudi.

As for your sister Carol, sounds like a similar situation as my eldest brother. Although they've temporarily split, they have done so amicably.

[Carol Baynes]

That last line of mine is also for Trudi.

Yeah, I..um..knew that...

[WhiteCrow]

There's a Dharma and Greg erisode that has that in it. Dharma's parents aren't married, but every day they promise all over again to be together another day

Sorry but I take great offense to this post if you are implying that I watch Dharma and Greg!

[By the way I am kidding, although I am serious about not liking that prog]

[Paul Monk]

The way to make a commitment work is to be slightly scared of your wife and just do everything she tells you to.

[Trudi G]

Oh, I've never been married, never mind divorced!
My sister was married for 10 years this March, and they both made a considered decision. There's my nephew involved too, but I'm glad to say they've put him first all the way so that's good. They actually stayed together as long as they could for him, but in the long run it's been far more harmonious to part ways.

I stayed with my husband alot longer than i should have, because i thought my son would suffer if we split up - when actually the reverse has been true.
Christian was aggressive and moody all the time we were together, a symptom of all the stress i was under, that he was picking up on.
It was only when my husband started punching me in front of him that i realised we couldn't stay, because Christian would grow up thinking that was the way to treat women, and i couldn't have that, so we fled to a womans refuge.
I had to have counselling and even though we were living in a less than ideal situation, my state of mind was alot better, and Christian also started being alot better behaved and settled.
My ex bombarded me with texts and messages saying he was sorry and wanted to get back together - even though he'd started another relationship - and he continued to do this up until mid 2005.
I never stopped my ex from seeing Christian, but he has done everything in his power to delay the divorce - the papers were sent to him twice before - once he 'forgot' to sign them and then lost them when he moved, the second time he said he didn't recieve them.
This time, if he didn't sign them he knew we'd have to go to court and he would have to pay out for a solicitor, and the latest g/f would find out about why exactly i left so he actually signed - but he returned one of the papers to the wrong place which held it up a bit longer.
My only advice to someone who is thinking of getting married is to think very carefully about what you are doing, and why you both feel the need to have that little bit of paper to prove you love each other.
Also, don't rush into it - what does it matter if you have a 10 year engagement? As long as you both know how much you love and care for each other, what more do you really need?

[Ralph]

I've posted a reply which I put in the temple where I thought it was most appropriate.

[Paul Clement]

My only advice to someone who is thinking of getting married is to think very carefully about what you are doing, and why you both feel the need to have that little bit of paper to prove you love each other.

I fell pretty much the same way, though Treena doesn't. For her, the commitment is already there, but marriage is also another sign of that commitment. She see's it, not so much as proof of our love, more as an extension of it. My personal perspective is that I'm not anti marriage, and if Treena really wants to wed, I'm more than happy to do so, as I like to doi things that bring her happiness.

[P-Bal]

Never put out on a first date.

Though there was an article in the paper the other day saying that putting out gets you love.

So maybe I'm wrong!

[Wayne]

This is just how life is these days, no one wants to stay together & fight for their marriage. It seems to me that at the first sign of trouble they bail out & apply for a divorce.

That's pretty much what my Mum thinks. Of course you can't generalize with these things, but her point of view is that people today don't have the sense of commitment that they did in her day.
I admire Tim's attempts to be positive. As a happily married man, (i think) I feel that it's good that he can recognize that it's not impossible to be committed to one person for life, & forgive me for voicing this opinion Trudi, but it comes across to me like your bad experience (putting it very mildly by the sound the sound of it) with your ex-husband has understandly coloured your perception of this issue. But i do personally have complete faith that 2 people who are right for each other, can & will stay together & be happy. But then my perception is also coloured by the fact that my Mum & Dad have been happily married for 47yrs. Perhaps my Mum is right in thinking that a lot of people are much more fickle these days?
I've got mixed opinions on marriage in general. There's a romantic part of me that likes the idea, but my pragmatic side (which is probably stronger) says that it's just a piece of paper.
All in all, i think what Paul Clement says perhaps mirrors my feelings best. If i was with someone who really wanted to get married, than i'd be happy to do so if the relationship had already proven itself like Paul's obviously has. Of course, when you love someone you don't need a bit of paper to prove it, but equally if you love someone, getting married won't change that love, either. It can only add to it.