IBDI! S2BR (Season 2 Backwards Review)

[Rob McCow]

Rob: The nights are drawing in. We’ve nearly reached the end. Only one more season after this!

Si: Steven! Who is in our first story?

The Bumbling Bishop? The Amiable Archbishop? The Prattling Priest?

Rob: No! The Time Meddling Monk! This is a jolly story of the first order. Although it’s not as comic as people reckon it is, there’s a lot of serious business going on with the Vikings. But Peter Butterworth as the Oggling Organist gives a star turn. Perhaps he should have rode in on a Hougah.

Si: How WHAT?

Rob: How funny. Vicki and Steven are great in this, with Steven being thoroughly argumentative and dismissive of everything he sees, while Vicki points out the obvious.

Si: Steven! Does Vicki point out the obvious a lot in this story?

Rob: Well… it’s very useful if you’ve not been paying attention and missed the cliffhangers.

Si: Steven! The Monk’s got a TARDIS!

Rob: And very nice it is too. The little differences make it interesting, such as the console being raised up on a little dais. We love the Pompous Prelate’s One to Ten step plan on how to change time, No.10 being ‘Meet King Harold’. Superb!

Si: Steven! I liked the bit where the Cantankerous Cardinal said he used an anti-grav unit to build Stonehenge! Steven! I also thought the sets were very good too, especially considering they were in the very cramped Lime Grove. Steven! This meant lots of crawling around. Steven! I liked that!

Rob: Stop doing that!

The Doctor: (suddenly wakes up) Yes my dear. HE’S GOT TO BE STOPPED!

Si: Steven! What marks do you give this one?

Rob: IGI8OO10.

Si: IDBI!

The Daleks: TARDIS! TARDIS! TARDIS!

Barbara: Doctor! He said TARDIS!

The Chase

Rob: Now on pointing-out-the-bleeding-obvious duties, we have a strange new character – Ms. Barbara Wright!

Si: Yes and isn’t she good too? Along with the marvellous Ian, we’ve got a great set of companions joining us with this story. I love the way they gently mock each other all the time- what with Ian noticing Barbara has put on her sweater with the massive neck and saying “You’ve put your battledress on I see” or Barbara chastising Ian for running her cardigan again, there’s just a lovely sense of ease between them. That does not make this a great story though, does it?

Rob: Perhaps the Dalek Suicide squad makes it great story. There’s the Dalek who jumps off a cliff edge on Aridius, the one that wanders off the deck of the Mary Celeste and the one that goes to stand under a Fungoid. They’re a depressed bunch who stand no real chance of catching the Doctor. There’s the lazy Dalek who tells the others to do the dirty work on Mechanus (He actually says “You go!”), there’s the well-known dyslexic Dalek who can’t read numbers very well and our personal favourite, the high-pitched, camp, panicky Dalek. When the Mechanoids start hugging the Daleks to death, he’s a real pillar of weakness.

Camp Dalek: Am hugged! Am hugged!

Si: They’re the worst Dalek taskforce since the one sent to Exillon! It could have been quite good, but it’s so ineptly directed. There are so many shoddy moments all the way through that just leave you shaking your head- be it the Dalek in position waiting for its cue in the haunted house, or the camera that is quite blatantly in view in the jungle on Mechanus in episode 5 or the fact that Doctor Who’s double is 3ft taller than Hartnell. It’s just shoddy. It makes the end of episode 6 where the Daleks and Mechanoids fight or the lovely ending with Ian and Barbara get home and run round London suddenly feel like they belong in a different story because they’re really good. As for the TARDIS and DARDIS… what did you make of them Rob?

Rob: I have a fond image of the Hartnell era effects team mounting the models on sticks and waving them about on camera. The funky music helps though!
The Daleks must have terrible trouble with cats. Every time the DARDIS lands, it makes a mewing noise, which would attract cats from miles around. Or perhaps the DARDIS can only materialise on a cat, squashing it in the process.
Hartnell gets more excited every time he sees the Daleks. This being their third story, he immediately foams at the mouth on seeing them and says ‘Jhe Jhaleks!’
I give this story 15 frayed ends out of a ruined cardigan.

Si: We’re in our clothes for the next story!

The Space Museum

Rob: Well of course we’re in our clothes, you silly child! I’ve always liked this story, I think it’s under-rated to buggery. It might be disappointing because there are no monsters at all in it, just people with funny eyebrows. Jumped any good time tracks lately, Si?
Si: No, but I did enjoy this story a great deal. The first episode is rightly praised for its very unsettling and weird atmosphere as they explore the museum while they are out of phase, but there’s lots to enjoy in the rest of the story too. We did enjoy Vicki saving the day and bamboozling the computer to get them into the armoury and the fact that Xeros seems to be a planet inhabited by teenage boys.

Rob: Not very nice teenage boys either. Poor old Barbara! She starts each adventure with her hair immaculately coiffured, but by episode 2 or 3, it’s a state. Her hair is like a melting iceberg that slowly drips over her head. In this story she’s a complete mess by 5 minutes into part 2, after being gassed and beaten up. Ian takes her best cardigan too! AGAIN! Poor mad old Barbara, wandering through the TARDIS corridors dressed only in a cardigan and hunting Ian’s love. ‘We’re in our clothes!’ exclaims Vicki and you can see Barbara sighing sadly.
I give this story 17 seals out of the Doctor’s family.

Si: What’s next? I’ll get the Lion bars and Jaffa cakes then. And the Wagon Wheel of fortune.

The Crusades

Rob: So what do we eat during part 4: The Warlords?

Si: Mars Bar?

Hartnell: Goodafternoon! You stupid reviewers – can you think of nothing else but reviewing?

Si: This one is really, really good. It’s a bit of a clich to praise all the Hartnell historicals I know, but it’s true to say that they’re often in a different class to the others. There’s oodles of tension, drama, intrigue and comedy throughout the very literate script and I love it to bits. The actors are great in this one aren’t they Rob?

Rob: It’s difficult to imagine Julian Glover and Jean Marsh as anything other than a husband and wife team, but apparently they never even married. Bizarre! They could have done a 28 part serial of King Richard The Lionheart in the style of I Claudius with these two as brother and sister. Then there’s Roger Avon and Bernard Kay as the leaders of the opposing camp. We loved that there’s a horse noise every time someone enters or leaves their tent! At least they won’t have to worry about serving food for their guests. They’ve always got somewhere to put the salad in, Saladin.

El Akir: You will dance across burning coals for that one.

Si: Quite right too! We were impressed with some of the detail in this one- particularly the fact that they made unleavened bread, which was incredibly accurate. I also found Barbara’s scenes with Maimuna really moving, as she grips the knife unable to decide whether to kill the poor girl or not. Jackie Hill gets that internal strife onto the screen just using her facial expressions and it’s quite incredible.

Vicki: ooooh! You look marvellllllllllouuuuusss!

Rob: Why thank you Vicki! I see myself as veritable strutting peacock! For all its worthiness and brilliant dialogue, I never liked The Crusades over much. I think that if the missing episodes were back, I’d enjoy it a lot more. But it is brilliant, so we give this a Whole Hoard of Hairy Saracens out of 10.

Si: Did you say Strutting Peacock? Surely you mean Bill Strutton’s Peacock?

NEXT WEEK: THE WAKING ALLY

JHE JHAAALEKHGS!

[SiHart]

The Web Planet

Rob: Its got a great first episode, hasnt it? What a lovely, fabulous first episode. Gawd, its fantastic!

Si: Hmm! Yes! Hahha! Hartnell is really quite mad in the first episode, but in a really entertaining way. You can just see William Russell walking behind him, rolling his eyes wondering what the hell hes going to do next. Its ever so good to watch. And weird. Theres no other episode quite like it in the bizarre what the hell is going on stakes. The strange music, the Vaseline that isnt actually Vaseline but a clever camera lens gives it a really unique atmosphere. Do you like this story Rob?

Rob: Yes I love it. I remember the exciting day I finally got the VHS videos, for 20 quid what? No time for nostalgia? Weve had hand acting on Doctor Who, Omegas famous pencil acting from Arc of Infinity and Hartnells unexpected crawling-on-the-floor acting, but this story gives us a new height. Yes, its Barbaras my-bracelet-has-come-to-life acting! Wave your arm listlessly, the director surely cried. And cried.
This story is very bleak for Doctor Who all the plans fail, and the Animus reigns supreme. I only watched a few weeks ago and I still cant remember how they beat it!

Si: Well err.. Vicki and The Doctor No, that didnt work Barbara and the Menoptera? No, not them Ian and the borrowing Optera? Oh I give up.
Still, despite that its nice to see Martin Jarvis one last time, being arrogant and condescending to everyone and I like the way the Menoptera corrupt all the names, showing them to be more alien than any other species weve met before. The story gets a lot of stick, but I rather like it. Oh and that bit where the evil Zarbis rip off the wings of the Menoptera is highly disturbing.

Rob: You need to be in the right mood for the Web Planet though, so I give this story a good lingering glare of Vickis micro-mini skirt out of 10. Hurrah!

Vicki: But Si and Rob, you cant really do a review! You cant even play a note!

The Romans

Rob: Like the Time Meddler, this one is buckets of fun but also pretty serious. Most of the amusement comes from watching the two plot lines fail to intersect, as Ian and Barbara go one way and the Doctor and Vicki go the other. If only Ian and Babs hadnt been attacked by slave traders, this would be the one where they consummated their relationship. For sure! Look at the lingering glances, the messing about with grapes and the Just look in the fridge! joke. Theyve never been so much in love.

Si: So in fact its rather a shame that they both end up having such a horrible time. Poor Ian gets beaten and has to row for hours, and Barbara gets lusted after and almost poisoned, but does get to show her tender caring side when she looks after the ill slave shes locked up with. Thats really a lovely moment. Unlike the stock footage of locked up lion and tigers which convince no-one that theyre actually in the arena about to eat Ian! What did you think of the Doctors plot Rob?

Rob: Ive heard hes quite handy with fisticuffs, so I wont comment! Hes even handier with the lute. In fact, well perform the rest of this review so quietly, you wont be able to read it.


All Of PS: Hurrah!

Rob: I give this story one bracelet from the Emperor Nero himself. Oh! Simon! The trembling has stopped!

Si: Oh my dear Im so pleased for you!

The Rescue

Rob: I think Desperate Measures are needed to Rescue this review! Koquillion Bennett? Bennett Koquillion? But how?! Apparently theres some deception going on in the crashed spaceship. And whos the real villain, Si?

Si: Barbara! She kills poor old Sandy in cold blood. Ok, not really, because Bennett is even more evil, killing the whole of the crew of the ship just to hide something hes done. Thats really extreme, and his exploitation of Vicki makes that even worse. The showdown between The Doctor and Bennett is a real highlight of this story and shamefully seldom gets picked as one of the first Doctors finest moments. Its a really powerful, well-acted scene.

Rob: Yes, like the scene where Vicki finds out Sandy has been killed. By EVIL Barbara! The Didoans really went to town with their city of traps though. Their city of TWO traps. I love the rubbish sword trap that causes Ian such angst. Either face the blunt looking knives, or fall a short distance off a ledge! Which to choose? Either way its bad news for the Doctor, who is wearing a very funky necktie in this story. Its bye bye to Vicki for us though. Shes been maaaaaaahvellous. I give this story 2 survivors out of a murdered crew.

The Doctor: Check the scanners, please Susan

Rob and Si: WHO?!

The Dalek Invasion of Earth, 2164AD, round about tea-time.

Si: The rest of this review is VETOED. Like that poor elephant. I dont know why, it just is.
Anyway, we meet Doctor Whos Granddaughter Susan for the first time. Oh shes so damn annoying. If shes not nearly hysterical, shes behaving like a 6 year old, and if shes not doing that shes hurting her ankle and Carol-Ann Ford does nothing very much to make her particularly likeable. Its no wonder the Doctor gets rid of her at the end. Although it has to be said, that scene is rightfully remembered as one of the best in the shows history. Its very moving and incredibly well played. Hartnell at his best. Unlike when hes on his holidays, eh Rob?

Robs Stand In: Im just going to lie in this box for the rest of this episode. And why not? Theres so much about TDIOE thats RUBBISH. Like the Dalek voices. Theyre absolute rubbish! Theres the not really a cliffhanger scene where Susan is about to fall off the ladder into the Crocodile pit. Except the crocs are little tiddlers is Susan worried about squashing them?! The defeat of the Daleks is rubbish, it all happens off screen when Ian pushes the Intergalactic Off Button. Dont drop me!

Sis Stand In: But we do have the great scene where Barbara comes to bamboozle the Daleks with her historical knowledge. I love that. Shes exactly the kind of person youd want travelling with you, showing her initiative every time she can. She doesnt give up despite being paired up with Jenny whos a bitter old haddock during most of the story and despite the bleakness of the setting. Thats the one thing they got right. The first episode has such a doom-laden atmosphere and a quiet menace. Even if its ineptly done because Richard Martin is directing.

Rob: There is one moment of brilliance (at least!) where Ian is standing outside the TARDIS in the ruined London and the Doctor asks him if hes curious. Doesnt he want to know what happened here? After a moments pause, he says No, he doesnt. Very chilling! And a very real, human reaction. It could have been the first story where they land, look about, decide it looks nasty and leave straight away!
I give this one 1964 ADs out of 2164.

Hilda: Come quick and listen. It sounds like theyre conducting some sort of review!

Planet of Giants

Rob: Its time for Hartnell to put his battle wig on as we flush ourselves down the plughole to review Planet of Giants!

Si: Planet of Giants. Well thats wrong for a start. Really its just a Garden of Giants isnt it? Still I mustnt complain because the sets and the oversize props look absolutely marvellous. The giant ant is great, and the giant fly is far more convincing than the one we see 10 years later in The Green Death. I do like the way that whenever Ian is forced to hide somewhere he always chooses the most dangerous place in the briefcase, in the matchbox, behind the gas tap! Still his wonderful Im in a giant matchbox thats moving acting cannot be faulted! Honestly!

Rob: Planet of Giants is a bold attempt to do a very difficult story. Directors Pervin Mervyn Pinfield and Dougie Doug Camfield must have had palpitations. Theres a lovely scene where the Doctor and co are trying to use the phone and are sticking test tube bungs under the receiver. Heres what we said:
Bung it under there!
Were off the hook now!
Dont cut their connection!
When Forrester comes in and puts the phone down: Squash! Thats the end of Doctor Who! fortunately it was a different phone. Ah well!
Episode 3 zips along like some kind of new series runaround, possibly because it was 2 episodes edited together. Theres hope for DIOE yet! And Im sure you could edit Pyramids of Mars down to half an hour.
And despite all the giant props, Forrester has quite the tiniest gun Ive ever seen.

Si: Ha! Id forgotten about that! For years theres been talk of potential Doctor Who spin offs from the original series, but no one has ever noticed the potential for The Continuing Adventures of Burt and Hilda. Oh yes, its true. Every week Hilda hears a different crime while shes earwigging other peoples conversations on the telephone and Burt has to go and investigate using his official Policeman status. Episodes could include:
Dead ringer, Connection Cut, Hold The Line, Left Hanging, Reversed Charges, Trunk Call of Death.
We were robbed I tells you! Robbed! Speaking of Rob

Rob: Dont forget A Shot Rang Out! I give Planet of Giants DN6 out of 10. If only Barbara would tell them shes ill! Silly old fool.

One season left to go. Season one! Nearly done... only four years later...

TARDIS! TARDIS! TARDIS!

[Andrew Curnow]

The Continuing Adventures of Burt and Hilda

It's only a matter of time I'm sure.

Steven! Another great backwards look back, Steven! And Simon, obviously.

[Wayne]

Another excellent, fun read. I especially liked the descriptions of the inept daleks in 'The Chase'.
And:

There’s so much about TDIOE that’s RUBBISH. Like the Dalek voices. They’re absolute rubbish!

Couldn't agree more!

[Logo Polish]

"We..are the Mars-ters of Earth..."

Nice reading, fellas.

[SiHart]

Thank you for your kind comments- it's a pleasure, as always, to review for you! The good news is there are only two more to come!

Si xx

[Andrew Curnow]

Two? Season 1, presumably, and... ?

Here we go: I'm confused!

[Rob McCow]

The detritus of Who - the two stories that we 'wildcarded', plus the TVM, the two Dalek movies and whatever else will make a truly vile banner when thrown together!

[Andrew Curnow]

Oh, I see. Dimensions in Time and Search Out Science perhaps?

[Martin Penny]

A fine review gentlemen!

I see you used my 'bumbling bishop' title as well, I'm sure I mentioned that when you did the season three review

[SiHart]

You did indeed. We hoped to pass it off as our own work!

Si xx