How to write your own Doctor Who season

[Zbigniev Hamson]

The Rough Guide on writing a 21st Century Doctor Who series.

Episode 1
Something cheap and cheerful and very light on plot. Lots of emotional references to the traumatic events of episodes 12 and 13 last year wouldn't go amiss. For best effect it should ideally feature key plot points that rely heavily on massive ignorance of scientific realism. Possibly with an amusing dancing sequence.

Episodes 2 & 3
One of these should be a 'futuristic' story. For best effect it should be stated as taking place several squillion years in the future, but should feature recognisable 21st century stereotypical humans using mobile phones, wearing the latest fashions and listening to the latest Scissor Sisters album.
The other episode should be set in Britain in 'the past' (i.e. somewhere roughly between 1500 and 1900) and should ideally feature a very famous and recogniseable British noteable, who will turn out to have a very modern outlook on life and possibly enjoy listening to Scissor Sisters albums.

Episodes 4, 5 & 6
Two of these episodes will make up the first two-parter of the season. Despite the appearence of a 'big event' this should always be somewhat dreary, drag on a bit and reassure the viewers that they can miss either/both episodes to attend barbecues if they wish as it's clearly too early in the season for anything really interesting to be happening. 10 Downing Street will probably be featured.
The remaining episode should be the 'shit episode' - the one in the season that isn't setting up anything and doesn't follow on from anything and has no other remit than to simply be an entertaining 45 minutes, and yet will fail to manage even that. This is the point in the season where fan suicides usually peak.

Episode 7
The seemingly inconsequential one-off story, but one which will be referenced as being very important in episodes 12 and 13. Perhaps the Doctor will forget to turn off the cooker at the end of the episode which will result in a massive gas explosion that rips the fabric of reality allowing an army of 20 million Daleks to spill through into modern day Earth later on? Alternatively this idea can be melded into the earlier two-parter and thus leaving room for another 'shit episode' in this slot.

Episodes 8, 9, 10 & 11
A bit of variety is possible with these episodes, but they should basically consist of some mix of the following types - Another 2-parter. A 'dark' story, probably set in a quarry at night or on the GamesMaster oil rig. Something based on a New Adventures Novel/Big Finish Audio/Annual Story/Blue Peter competition. Something without the Doctor in it. And the obligatory 'something that's actually really quite good and not written by a Welshman' episode. Obviously several of these concepts can be combined in the same episode, the number of combinations is almost limitless. Or at least possibly slightly more than you can count on the fingers of one hand anyway.

Episodes 12 & 13
This should be the 'epic' season finale. There is actually very little leeway to do something new and interesting here, most of the interest will come from the exact number of countless alien machines you employ. Will it be a mere 200,000 or will you go for the big 6 billion? Obviously it makes no real difference from a plot (or even visual) point of view, but it's nice to feel you have some creative input in proceedings. The format then....
The events of Episode 7 should be referenced quite heavily and relatively early on. Also quite early on the companion must be reunited with her family members where they will retire to somebody's flat to watch news reports (featuring real newsreaders) of the latest exciting alien invasion. This will then be followed by a few brief snippets of other TV celebs making cameo appearences. 10 Downing Street will then be featured if it wasn't included in the earlier two-parter, or possibly even if it was. If you DO set this finale anywhere other than present day London then the companion must be allowed to travel there in the TARDIS for at least some of the time so that most of the above can happen. Then your 200,000-6 billion robotic killing machines will turn up. To maximise excitment and create cliffhanger potential you can actually have two different types of robotic killing machine turn up at different times if you wish. Or you could perhaps just have one type, but which later turns out to be an exciting appearence of an old enemy in disguise. The ending should then be an immense cop out where all your robotic killing machines are waved out of existence with a magic wand. Then there'll be a bit of crying. The Doctor might also regenerate at this point, but if he does then everyone will have known about it since Episode 1 anyway.

The Christmas Episode
Some crap with killer Christmas Trees and robotic Santas. And Maybe 10 Downing Street again.

[Stuart Wallis]

And possibly a change of Prime Minister by this point as well.

[Si Hunt]

And popcorn.

Si.

[Dirk Gently]

Excellent, not cynical in anyway.