The Quotes Thread

[Rob McCow]

Your favourite quotes, be they real, Shakespearean or just random.

Here's one of mine, it's a bit long. Please, Mr.Quote, won't you... quote?

A Modern Britain is like the classical Old Fashioned, but with a new twist.
For a Modern Britain, you'll need...

* Finely made English hand-blown crystal glasses, the very best Islay malt whiskey, bred and lovingly blended by craftsmen who care.
* Freshly squeezed apple juice from pleasant Somerset orchards.
* A quarter gill of London gin, a pint of rich Jersey cream.
* A half quart of soft, still Welsh mountain water.

To garnish

* A shamrock, a daffoldil, a thistle and a rose.

To complete the Modern Britain we add to this kindly, noble, honourable and civilised mixture

* A centilitre of flat cola-style syrup.
* A hectare of low-cal brand sweetener.
* A pot of non-dairy whitener.
* A leisure-sachet of instant heritage.
* A two-parent family size pack of diluted good values, free-market vegetables.
* A greedy helping of self-governing trusts and a plastic ice-cube for cosmetic purposes only.

The product should be half-baked at an immoderate temperature of the lowest common denominator in an atmosphere of greasy cant and corrupt sleaze, until richly dishonoured and seared with shame. Your Modern Britain will ideally have lost all colour, flavour and fizz by now and should then be divided against itself and left in shoddy disrepair for a number of years until it rots before being sold off to the highest bidder. An ideal self-serving suggestion would be to accompany the whole botched cocktail with a raft of unappetising sound-bites and a package of feeble initiatives stuffed with tasteless media slime. But perhaps, somewhere, you might be inspired to add one small, tender, caring cherry of hope.

[Andrew Curnow]

Is that a quote or a eulogy?

My definition of a good quote is any short soundbite that I can slip into conversation to make my wife's eyes roll in dismay. Such as:

"3.2 metres, what a landing"

or

"Rassilon's discover, aaaalll mine"

[P-Bal]

"Reddy reddy red legs we call 'im."

[Pip Madeley]

"To the outsider it seems that we in Britain live daily under the cloud of terrorism. That familiarity sometimes makes you think of it as almost normal, then suddenly something will happen..."

[P-Bal]

"Don't you listen to these men in orange!"

[Simon R]

"And you, yer poor caw"

[Rob McCow]

My definition of a good quote is any short soundbite that I can slip into conversation to make my wife's eyes roll in dismay.

Said Andrew Curnow. Today.

[Simon R]

"I have a problem with the fact that there's no air conditioning and I'm gonna die...open-the-door"

[Trudi G]

"It's not enough to succeed, others must fail"

[P-Bal]

"Look down my nose at you, you bet I do."

[Simon R]

"And you know who else was there? Sean Maguire"

[P-Bal]

"I don't shimmy."

[Trudi G]

Sexuality is so transient, all you really need to know is:
Do i connect with this person?
Could i spend the rest of my life with them?
Do i need a cock inside me?

[Simon R]

"She was incredibly ugly and had the biggest nose I have ever seen. A real Fagin nose. She frightened me and she stank, stank of her fanny and BO, and her flat stank of fried food".

[P-Bal]

I cannot top Lady Simon's last entry.

[Simon R]

P-Bal's a top.

"So I went upstairs to the tower room, picked up this stone gorilla and lugged it down to the front door. It was about two feet high and made of concrete. On the head of the monkey I arranged the pink knickers. And then I lifted up my skirt, and I squatted down and shat on it. So there was this ****ing gorilla, vaguely Buddha-like, pink knickers on its head, topped by a turd".

[P-Bal]

"...Their outrageous reactions to each other's smells sometimes had the entire billet in uproar especially if the Christians showed that they were upset. Once I was held down whilst several grotto-gropers covered my nose and mouth with their fish fingers."

Thomas Stewart Baker, 1997.

I had to take a clean highlight from his passage.

[Si Hunt]

Someone at work said this to me today of his Saturday night:

"She bent over the toilet and I slipped in via the back door."

Si.

[SiHart]

Oh my! I seldom get conversations like that at work now I've left Bracknell Library, alas.

Si xx

[Captain Tancredi]

In Boots at Leeds station at about 11pm last night I found myself talking to a WPC who'd been sent down from the police office to pick up the best of the sandwiches Boots were selling off cheap.
"Have you drawn the short straw, then?" I asked.
"No," she said, putting another sandwich in her basket, "I quite like this job. It's almost like shopping, really".

Bet the criminals have to get up really early to get past her.

[Simon R]

"While Geri, Melanie and Vicki were in the gym, Emma and me would put some music on - something tacky like Sinitta - and jump and dance around this massive room for an hour. We were manic".

MJB, 2002

[Rob McCow]

Anyone can laugh, it's just a shouty smile.

3 characters.

[P-Bal]

Spent a lot of time in Cannes. Not to mention skiing resorts. I do like a nice ski in the February month. I stayed at incredibly posh places, did a lot of shopping and visited the best restaurants there are. And as for singing, I just listen to orchestras. I have a nice orchestra playing for me wherever I go. Infact I have a flautist travelling with me permanently so I can just listen to that. And a harpist.

Dame VCA, 1997

[Pip Madeley]

"I've got a soft spot for Madonna. She has a lot of intensity. Maybe it's that little innocent voice and the underwear she wears. Funnily enough, I met them - Sean Penn and Madonna. I went to see John Cougar in Los Angeles when I had my kids out with me. They are fans of his, so I took them backstage after the gig and there in the corner was this couple. Simon, my son, said, "Dad, that's Madonna!" I said, "Naaaa." He said, "Da-a-ad, it is, it is, it is. Get her autograph for me! Please."

I finally went over to Sean and said, "Hello, I'm Phil Collins." He said, "I know who you are, man." I thought he was going to hit me. I said, "Is it possible, Madonna, that you could give my kids autographs? They won't speak to me if I don't ask." So she quite nervously, embarrassed, gave me her autograph. She didn't seem to be able to deal with it very well."

-- Phil Collins (PLAYBOY INTERVIEW, October 1986)

[WhiteCrow]

"Never trust a bald barber ..."