I’ve never been the same since one torchlight night a mystical Wiccan ceremony bound my soul to the spirit of the crow.

Crows are much misunderstood birds, they are by far the smartest of birds, using their intelligence to scavenge. This has made them adaptable birds, who have thrived from humans expansion, our waste being their refuge.

They are great survivors too, and see the world a little differently. You see carnage and atrocity, they see an all you can eat buffet.

So what does my inner crow make of the new Doctor Who? Let’s find out …

Rose

You know I got excited about this one from the start, there you see a mangled hand. Not many people like hands, to be honest there’s not much meat on them, and it’s all a bit stringy. Give it a few days to rot off a bit though and it’s quite a delicacy.

But blow me if it’ not a hand at all, just a dummys hand. That’s like the sick bastard who thought up plastic fruit – why? I want to eat, not look at something that makes me more hungry you moron.

Ah but at least in the last season the Autons attack, bodies lying all over the place, including the big guy from the bank adverts. Enough eating there for more of the year if you stash it right, but get the eyeballs before some other sod gets ‘em.

A bit boring apart from the all you can eat carnage at the end, though there’s a lot. So 8/10.
The End of the World.

End of the World – here was me hoping for one of these “end of days” mass carnage. But no some nutter is going around and killing the residents of Platform One.

Sneaky murderer chalking up victims, and young Billie Piper might me next – tantalising huh? Wouldn’t mind a piece of her rump steak myself ha ha ha. Some crows are more leg guys you know, others go for the breast, me I like the eyes he he he.

Anyway before I get too excited this sicko is killing them all by dropping the sunscreen on them. So they all go fried and burnt worse than a Beefeater steak extra crispy. That’s a waste of good meat going there, tragic.

The Earth blows up but for all the carnage there’s previous little to eat – spoilsports. Still I take consolation that there’s some bits of Cassandra left around to fill the corners, although being as old as she is she tastes a bit like shoe leather. This rescues it from nul points to get 1/10.
The Unquiet Dead

The dead walk! You don’t know what that means to a crow, it’s like meals on wheels, or the ice cream van stopping outside your house. Just screams out “stop me and eat some”.

What a brilliant idea, don’t go finding carnage, let the carnage come to you.

No need to get too excited though – they’re not walking for long, and it’s back to the undertakers. Oh I’d love to work at an undertakers, it’d be like a kid working at a sweet shop.

Eve Myles as Gwyneth is looking a bit tasty, and she manages to even get herself killed. But before I get too excited, the Doctor has set off the gas, and she’s burnt up again. What is it with the Doctor and spoiling good meat?

This means I have to drop it a couple of marks to only 3/10.