There Will Be No Review! Season 1 Backwards

[SiHart]

Si: It's really rather poignant that we've come to the end of our run (well almost...) on the day that one of the major architects of the show has passed away. Verity Lambert was a huge influence and we'd like to dedicate this to her.

Anyway, here we are. Back at the beginning at last. We've seen off Napoleon, Sensorites and the Brains of Morphoton, and we seem to have ended up in 1963. Who'd have thought it. Rob, would like to take us back to the Ship?

Rob: No, but I'll make a Bargain of Necessity with you.

The Reign of Terror
(Or Paris: 1794)

Rob: The Doctor says he loves this time period, the French Revolution. I can't see why, because everyone has a bloody miserable time in The Reign of Terror! No wonder he's off to search for his destiny in the stars at the end of it. Fire!

Si: It's a very good fire, isn't it? Very convincing and it really looks as if the Doctor has been burnt to death at the end of the first episode. Hartnell does some amzing choking acting which we really liked. He wasn't though, luckily, and instead gets to go out on location for the very last time in our run. Lovely.

Rob: I do like the location footage, as some random extra makes off across the fields with Hartnell's wig. Do you think he ever brought it back?

Si: However, this story doesn't half meander around. the first two episodes are just build up and ways of stopping them from getting to paris quickly before the proper plot kicks in part 3. Did you like the Doctor's change of Identity Rob?

Rob: This is a splendid story for hats! It's like some kind of French-Themed 'Wear A Hat' new year's party. Certain PS members would repeatedly say 'He knows!' The Doctor upstages everyone else's hat with that marvellous Publicity Photo Friendly effort. At least he doesn't spend most of the story as a Prisoner of The Conciergerie. Susan and Barbara must have been begging him to take them back to Paris, 1794.

Si: Barbara's romance with Colbert is rather well handled and touching, especially when Barbara finds out he's betryaed her. There are some very entertaining arguments between her and Ian, and their relationship as they pretend to be the Inn Keeper and serving wench for Napoleon are rather fun, but on the whole the stroy just seems to meander around, with too many twists being characters taken back to prison. Sigh. Even the much vaunted "comdey" jailer scenes aren't actually very funny really.

Rob: Despite all that, I love the 'twist' ending where they meet Napoleon. And the ending of episode 1 where Doctor Who is rescued from the burning building by a small boy. It all set him on the road to murder, as he kills a roadworks overseer. You may say that he only knocked the man out, but it's difficult to judge how hard to hit someone over the back of the head with a shovel. Why don't you try it on your friends or loved ones?

Si: I say this story is a Stirling Effort. A Sir James Striling Effort!

Rob: I give it two francs on the eyes of a dead man out of five. Hey, Si, if we swapped our names, no-one could tell us apart!

Si: I have never thought of that.

The Sensorites.
(Or The Sense of Rights)

The Man Si: Many of the joys of The Sensorites have been written about very eloquently by the woman Lissa, but we'll do our best. It's a bit of an underrated story, not very sophisticated and from simpler times but it's really quite enjoyable if you're in the mood. The first episode is really quite tense, with the quiet menace of the Sensorites really well conveyed by the reactions of Maitland and the man John. It's quite creepy and yet at the same time, their spaceship is obviously made of wood. See, good and bad. Rob, are you hiding your emotions by shouting? WHat do you want to say?

The Man Rob: Gah! *clutches table and falls down* I think I've been poisoned! The Sensorites themselves look great, even if they do resemble doddery old men who have decided to wear plates instead of shoes. It's nice to see a 'humanised' race of characters with different motives and who turn out to be hardly villanous at all. Even the City Administrator is utterly useless, with his silly disintegrator gun. The real threat are the unwashed humans living in the tunnels with their giant pencils. Where's Barbara gone, Man Si?

The Man Si: Poor Barbara exiled to the ship with Maitland for a couple of weeks. She was probably better off up there really. The Humans in the tunnels are after the molybedenum and that, we instantly know, is going to give William Hartnell some troubles. Who would give the Doctor lines about that element? Honestly! Still Ian's plight is well played and like his extra croaky voice William Russell uses for his poisoned acting too, and the way that it goes back to normal as soon as he forgets... or gets cured, whichever is sooner! The Man Rob! Turn on the lights, I'm afraid of the dark!

The Man Rob: There's some excellent music from Norman Kay and some slightly creepy moments on board the ship. We may have run out of things to say about the Sensorites, but we'll keep you all in a spaceship and send you to sleep every five minutes while wiping your memories. That's what I call a plan! I give The Sensorites 3 deranged human survivors from a past expedition out of 4.

Roboxl: You can't re-write this review, Si! Not ONE LINE!

Si: Not Si... Sitaxa!

The Aztecs
(Or Barbara's God Hair Day)

Sitaxa: I think The Aztecs is the pinnacle of the Hartnell years. A story that's not overlong, that moves a long quite swiftly and is just a well made and enjoyable story. The actors are great in this one, from character Actor John Ringham as Tlotoxl going just over the top enough to Keith Pyott's noble Autloc who has his faith shattered by the false goddess. But even better are the regulars, especially as Carol-Anne is on holiday for half the story giving more room to the good actors to shine. And they do that- Jackie Hill and William Hartnell are especially great, giving the arguments bettween the Doctor and Barbara a very real power. You really feel for Barbara's cause, but by the end of the story you're siding with the Doctor's argument because he knows whatever you do isn't going to change the nature of these people. Wonderful. Fancy some cocoa Roboxl?

Roboxl: I demand more T's and L's and X's in my name!

Robtlxoxlt: That's better. I don't enjoy The Aztecs as much as everyone else, it seems. The basic predicament is Barbara driving the story forward by being silly and not listening to the Doctor. Although in his way, the Doctor is equally culpable and foolish. It all leads to some rather good fight sequences and there's a fair bit of action, but I just find it frustrating that the TARDIS is a few yards away and they could easily get back to it if they were a bit more canny and aware. Anyway, it's all great performances and dialogue, so who's to fuss? Hang on a minute... COCOA? Oh no!

Sitaxa: Now we are betothed my love. The little romance between the Doctor and Cameca is rather heart warming really. There does seem to be a real affection between the two of them, and the look on Hartnell's face as he says goodbye and in the tomb says he'll never forget her is a touching moment, even more so when he goes to put down the brooch she gave him and then thinks better of it. I think it's lovely.

Roboxtxlltlallxl: I give this 1 perfect victim out of 5 sacrifices.

Si: I think I've lost my keys...

Rob: At least I've still got my wristwatch.

The Keys of Marinus
(Or Arbitan's Been Out On the Piss Again and Guess What He's Lost...)

Rob: There's a clever, underlying subtext to The Keys of Marinus. The people's conscience is faulty and the keys to unlocking it can be found in an ice cave, a primative jungle, a court and a false world. I'll be buggered if I can work out what the subtext is though. No, there's a lot of good things about this

Si: LOOK AT THAT FANTASTIC BUILDING!

Rob: Wah! Oh I see. How strange, it seems to be completely out of proportion to the TARDIS. People say that Keys is a dull story, but it zips along from one zone to the next. Best of all, we get two episodes of just Ian and Barbara without that nasty old man getting in the way. There's some good costumes too. I'm paticularly fond of Arbitan's hoodie, which Yartek steals later in the story to show what a thug he is. Although that probably means a naked and dead Arbitan is around on the island somewhere, probably propped up against the TARDIS door as a nasty goodbye gift to the travellers. What do you think of the lovely clothes, Si?

Si: They're FILTHY RAGS! Although the story is mostly very silly, I do like the Morphoton episode. I love the way the TARDIS crews' perceptions have been played around with and they don't realise. It's quite funny to see Hartnell and Russell passing around an old chipped cup and commenting on how advanced a piece of technology it is. The Brains are creepy too, with their plummy voices and really well made. Of course it's great when Hartnell comes back from his holiday, back to full acting capacity, not stumbling over his lines anymore and acting the socks off everyone else in the story. *Si twists travel dial* Pop!

Rob: This must be Si's ... it's got review on it! Hartnell is on cracking form for the last two episodes, having had a nice holiday. He seems really re-energised. And he needs to be, with phonecalls, evil wives and conspiracies going on. And Altos shows the most leg in Doctor Who outside of Planet of Fire. So our trip to Marinus wasn't entirely wasted.

The First Judge: I give this story two days to gather evidence out of four!

To be continued....
Si xx

[SiHart]

Marco Polo: I have taken charge of the watchers' unusual review, and set out into the Gobi desert. The journey across this vast ocean of sand is slow and hazardous. To make matters worse, Rob continually shows his disapproval of my action by being both difficult and bad-tempered. For three days now, during which time we have covered no more than 30 miles, I have had to endure their jokes.

Marco Polo
(Or: Caravan of Love.)

Si: Here's a review of Marco Polo... Come for it!

Rob: It's the review of 500 lines! Marco Polo is wonderful, isn't it just? It's a real shame that this is one of the missing stories, as the telesnaps make it look comparatively lavish and wonderful, with lush sets and great costumes. Now, Kow-tow to me! Kow-TOW!!!

Si: Not with my back! Awww! It is effortlessly epic, taking place over several weeks of travels, and taking in some wonderful locations along the way. It is full of great characters too, the noble Marco Polo, the wicked and scheming Tegana, the cute Ping-Cho who manages to make Susan seem less annoying than usual and then we have the Mighty Kublai Khan, who in a brilliant piece of misdirection is said to be the greatest warlord in the world and turns out to be an old man with arthritis! He's much funnier than the jailer in Reign of Terror! The interplay between Khan and the Doctor is great fun.

Rob: Although this story has the basic frustration that the TARDIS is just there and if Polo just gave them the F***ing key they could all go. This time however there's so much going on and Marco is so reasonable and his motives are easy to understand, so it's still enjoyable to watch. My fave character is Tegana, or as we call him Tegan-A, the prototype of his future companion, Tegan-J. Tegan-A was rejected as companion material. He's just as murderous as Tegan-J, but Tegan-A doesn't have a proper career. "This isn't Cathay! I got all dressed up to assassinate the Kublai Khan! At least a broken hour glass gets the time right er... never mind." Tegan-A is a dedicated and cunning enemy, staying in Messeh Polo's confidences throughout. Ping what did you think about the story, Si Cho?

Si: I saw what you did there. I like the way that they often come so close to getting away in the middle of the story and as always it's Susan that lets them down, getting herself caught. I'm afraid she's very definitely the weak link in the original TARDIS crew. She's shrilly hysterical when the slightest thing goes wrong and isn't very likeable really. That said, she is quite likeable in this story, comparatively, because her friednship with Ping-Cho is quite well brought to life. A high quality story overall and one I really wish we could watch properly...

Rob: I give this story three riders from Shang-Tu out of three, but with a change of horses every 100 miles.
This review is on the brink of disaster. I better press the Fast Review Switch!

The Edge of Destruction
(Or: A Switch In Time Saves Four... Lives)

Rob: In homage to this story, I shall begin the review lying on the floor.

Si: This story is so obtuse. There could have been a really good story about the TARDIS being haunted, but instead we get a load of convoluted plotting that doesn't really hang together. What saves it from the brink of disaster is the edge of characterisation in it. This is a crew that gets to confront each other about the things that go wrong and through that grow to be friends. That doesn't happen nearly enough later in the show. It's just a shame that the story is so unhelpfully bizarre.

Rob: But don't you understand, Si? We've had time taken away from us.

Si: Right.

Rob: And now it's being given back.

Si: Uh-huh.

Rob: Because it's running out!

Si: Oh look, the name of the switch has been written in felt tip pen. But it's always been there though! Always!

Rob: On the plus side, it's atmospherically bizzare. All the early Doctor Who's are like theatre plays and this one is the most theatrical of them all. All of the action is held in the dialogue and the four characters drive the story forward. I agree, the story is just four people arguing about something that's broken down, kind of like when someone's PC goes wrong at work. "I'm sure it's sabotage." "No, try Ctrl+Alt+Delete, Doctor!" etc. I think the weight of the show really damages this story. As a play on it's own, all the elements are really intriguing and frightening, but this is the cozy Doctor Who console room that we've seen Romana and the Doctor repairing K-9 in. At the time, when we really knew nothing about the characters, it surely must have had more impact. No really. Put the scissors down, Si!

Si: I do like the way the Doctor goes and apologises to Barbara at the end. It really seals their relationship, and it feels as if this was something they all had to go through in order for them to travel together. Maybe that does make it all worthwhile.

Rob: I give this story K7 out all the faults on the Fault Locator. Check the review meter, Si.

Si: It's reading 'Review', Grandfather.

Rob: Oi!

The Daleks
(Or: The Dead Planet, or The Mutants, or Doctor Who In An Exciting Adventure With The Daleks, The Last Dalek Story, The First Dalek Story or Why The Hell Is This On Two Videos At Twenty Quid Dammit?!)

Rob: This one just works. There's the petrified forest, there's the alien city, there's the Daleks and it's all perfect. There's little that creaks or wobbles, it's all competently done - which, sadly, is rare for a Hartnell story! The Daleks are so exciting in this story, they're not a race of conquerers, they're simply desparate and ruthless. It's possible that if this is the first Dalek story, the Doctor himself planted all the ideas of conquest, other worlds and time travel into the Dalek psyche. Maybe. Have you taken your Anti-Terry-Nation drugs, Si?

Si: It's ok, I've got my Anti-Terry-Nation Gloves on. I like the desperation of the early episodes, as the crew begin to suffer the effects of the radiation, and find themselves prisoners of the Daleks in the city. It just feels more real because the Doctor has yet to be painted as a superman who'll always escape. It creates more tension and more drama. More than anything this is what makes this season so special I think.
Anyway, the Daleks is a classic case of everything coming together at the right time. Ray Cusick really did do a splendid job with the Daleks, and the city reals feels like it has been designed by Daleks for Daleks- look at the cramped, low corridors that Barbara finds herself trapped in. It feels real again. Even the controls are all designed to work for Daleks. It's a unified design that again is often missing later on. Add in the clever iconic sound effects and some mysterious electronic music and you've got a really good atmospheric story.

Rob: It's a drawn out 7-parter, but a story that length is standard fare for Hollywood these days. The extra running time gives extra value, so you get scenes like the one with the food machine and Susan writing the letter to the Thals - they're not needed, but they're entertaining. I want to know that Ian finds his bacon a bit salty. Erm. Anyway, The Daleks has an awful set of episode titles. The Rescue! The Escape! The Ordeal! But that's about the only bad thing about it.

Si: I suppose because it's the first time Terry Nation used all his cliches it feels all new, doesn't it? I suppose if it wasn't for this story gripping the imagniations of those early viewers, we wouldn't all be here today. There's a touch of accidental genius about it and for that we should all be grateful. It's one of the rightful classics of the show.

Rob: I give this story Dalek One Move To Your Left Out Of Two.

Si: Do you know, I think we're interfering with something that's best left alone.

Si xx

[SiHart]

An Unearthly Child
(Or: Whatever)

Rob: It's our last story! I really don't think we should review the pilot separately though. This one has always been seen as one amazing episode and then three weeks of mucking about with cavemen. I remembered the prehistoric episodes as dull, with a simple capture-escape-capture-escape plot. But I've been very unfair on it. The cavemen are the most truly alien species the Doctor has ever encountered. They don't understand things like deals, or even friendship. The only way Hur can understand Barbara's compassion is by relating it to a mother caring for a baby. The scenes where Za begins to comprehend ideas such as one man not being stronger than the whole tribe are scintillating. For a 10-year old, it's not so great, but looking at it now there's a lot of fascinating stuff in those three episodes. Will you make us some fire, Si?

Si: Oh gone on then... oops sorry I mean There Will Be No Fire. This episodes are also incredibly well directed. Compared to some of the clumsier efforts later in the season, Waris Hussein really is pushing his camera crew to make as much uuse of the sets they can. There is more movement in the shots in this story than we see anywhere else in the season- and it's thoughful and rather stylish.
I agree about the last three episodes being quietly brilliant. Again it's the very real reactions of Ian and Barbara that make it for me. Barbara is tired,and scared out of her wits and the bit in the third episode where she loses it and ends up in a sobbing heap is one of the hardest scenes to watch in the whole show because the emotion is so raw. Again I want to stress just how good William and Jackie are at making Ian and Barbara the most real companions we ever had come to life. But what of the Doctor, Rob?

Rob: Doctor Who? Who's he talkin' 'bout? Based on this story, the first Doctor was given the title of 'Crotchety Old Man'. A more correct title would be 'Murderous Old Schoolteacher Kidnapping Bastard'. Do you believe that he was really picking up a stone so Za could draw a map back to the TARDIS? Or was he going to split the caveman's skull open? Perhaps he could have done with another shovel. He doesn't take centre-stage, although he does have a fantastic speech where he encourages the tribe to throw Kal out. The first episode belongs entirely to the Doctor though, who is so commanding and solid, that you'd think it was his second attempt at the episode... oh yeah! I'd also like to mention Horg, the old man of the tribe whose main responsibility was to state the blindingly obvious. Also, it's great that Za the firemaker was played by Derek Newark - later Greg Sutton from Inferno. All this firemaker stuff will only lead to one thing - the sound of the planet screaming out it's rage! Pertwee would tell 'em. Doesn't the TARDIS look spiffing, Si?

Si: It's alive! Yes it does look great, so lovely shiny and new! The first scene in the Control Room is simply magical, even after all these years. Wouldn't it be wonderful to watch without knowing what was going to happen when Ian and Barbrar push their way through those doors? So dramatic! I'm glad they calmed it down afterthe Pilot episode though, because the softer, more mischiveous Doctor is a far better character than the austere alien Doctor seen in the first attempt. Hartness really is so commanding and on top of his game in these episodes and gives a compelling start to the character. The show couldn't really have begun with a better episode, that even 44 years later is a wonderful piece of television.

Rob: Well, that about wraps it up... I give this episode...

The Doctor: Excuse ME, young man! This review hasn't rolled along on wheels, you know! To the people of my civilisation, this kind of reviewing has been reduced to a game for children!

Si: But what do you need 'E' for?

Susan: Space... Space! And Time! I was born in another place, another time. Take your brain to another dimension!

The Doctor: Pay close attention!

Susan: But it's obvious that these two reviewers react together. We should use two active reviewers and then it would all happen by itself and we could get on with something more interesting.

The Doctor: Have you ever thought what it's like to be wanderers in the fourth dimension? Have you? To be exiles...?

Rob: No, but I'm sure I will do now that we don't have to watch Doctor Who any more and we've got a few evenings to fill. I give this story ten out of ten. Well done!

Si: Well it's been great fun hasn't it? From Perivale to Coal Hill, we've had a wonderful backwards journey from finish to start of Doctor Who and it feels odd to finally be at the end...

Rob: Oh but Si, it's far from being all over....

Si: You mean it isn't the end that the moment has been preapred for?

Rob: Oh Si, we've got a few fab stories still to come...

Si: Bugger. I have to watch The Dominators, don't I? I thought you'd forgotten.

Rob: Well I've still never seen parts 2&3 of Delta and the Bannermen! Then there's the TV Movie and Cushing films!

Si: I can't wait to see how you make a banner out of that little lot!

Si xx

[Andrew Curnow]

That was excellent guys, entertaining, enlightening, very funny, and actually in places rather moving. Glad to see such praise for Bill, Jackie, and, er, Bill again. My favourite, favourite bit was this:

Rob: But don't you understand, Si? We've had time taken away from us.

Si: Right.

Rob: And now it's being given back.

Si: Uh-huh

And what excellent timing datewise - is that good planning on your parts, or is it just a case of serendipity?

[SiHart]

It was just luck Andrew! As always. Thanks for wading through our most verbose review yet!

Si xx

[Jon Masters]

Sheer brilliance, as usual gentlemen. Can I live in hope that you'll be doing the same for the New Series at some point ?

[Wayne]

Absolutely marvelous chaps! (All of them)

If i ever watch Who in order (or something) again, i'll be able to skip Marco Polo & just come here & read your much more entertaining review of it instead.

Looking forward to 'The Dominators' & the Cushing films* etc...etc...

*(especially the uber-TECHNICOLOUR banners)