Your Bottom of the Barrel Doctor Who TV Stories

[Zbigniev Hamson]

10: Timelash

Ever tried rearranging the letters of it? Cos that's what it is. Dull, uninspiring sets & direction, and you don't even get to find out HOW the Doctor saved Karfel. Rubbish.

If you put on your "Slime Hat" when you watch it, it's not so bad.


... actually that's quite a good euphamism for a "french letter".

[Carol Baynes]

Ok, then....this was actually very difficult, because at the end of the day I'd sooner watch any of these stories than most other TV!

In the order I thought of them...not sure I can do a very bottom of the pile countdown!

Timelash
It probably wasn't such a bad story on paper, but on screen it's full of sight offending guady sets, bad performances and some of the most embarassing ideas to make it to screen. Seatbelts- In the TARDIS?! On the other hand the Borad's make up is very good and the chap playing HG Wells puts in a likeable performance, but it's too little too late really...

The Twin Dilemma

This came straight after "The Caves of Androzani". It's a fact that never fails to make me utter, "Why? How?..." Colin Baker deserved a better debut than this. Bad perfromances, bad lines, bad production design...everything seems to be competing with Colin Baker's awful costume to the extent where everything looks too bright and guady. Even Peri has to wear a blue deckchair! Experimentation with The Doctor's post-regenerative state unfortunatly results in a character change not likely to keep casual viewers, I imagine. A misguided mess, I would say. It was as if the production team for season 21 went on holiday before the final serial and gave it over to another team.

Paradise Towers

Very interesting ideas ruined by over stylised, amateur dramatic performances, embarassing production design and Bonnie Langford's most annoying performance. One of my very least favourites, by a long way.

Delta and the Bannermen

I really didn't like it in 1987, but I did watch it last year for a second time and I admit I'm warming to it. I'm still not feeling the love, but I'm putting it in here to fill up the numbers.
It's on parole.

Underworld

I'm fairly definite that I saw this in 1978, but hadn't seen it again until this week. I still have an episode to watch, admittedly, but this is really hard work. Possibly the most boring Tom Baker story I've ever seen (I'm slightly shocked I've included a Tom B story in this list actually!). If it was a conversation, it'd be one of those that just drones on without very much change in subject matter. There is some nice special effects work in there (although all the CSO doesn't really work). It's probably a victim of having no decent budget, but the whole thing is so bland it's a struggle to see it through.

The Gunfighters

I can admire the production team for their willingness to do something new, but this is a real disaster. Such a pity, and Dr. Who in the Wild West is a great idea in theory. In practice, they got it wrong. All out comedy hadn't really worked before and it certainly doesn't work here. That ballad is annoying and distracting, the performances are attrocious and it's generally an embarassment to behold. Very nice production design though, I have to say.

Fear her

I'm all for Who in a modern suburban setting, but this was verging on "Brookside" in places. To be honest, the whole story just didn't engage me and I found the guest cast to be annoying. It really didn't happen for me at all.

The Trail of a Timelord- The Ultimate Foe

I'd had enough by this point. There are parts of the Trail season that shine with inspiration, but too much of it is badly performed and scripted with inconsistent production values and presentation. It can go from sublime to ridiculous in one episode. The final two part 'pay off' was unsatifactory and anti-climatic for me, and I never quite forgave it after sticking with it for 14 Saturdays.


The Monster of Peladon

Great! A sequel to "The Curse of Peladon"! I've waited for years to see this. Oh look...some of the original cast are back! Oh look- Ice Warriors.Oh lookzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..uh..eh...what?! I've slept through how many episodes?!
That won't happen again- I have to see this through! Pass me the Red Bull, Fresh coffee and amphetemines!!!

The end of the world

Nothing ruins an episode of "Doctor Who" for me more than obviously stupid, bad script excuses for science that ignore all intelligent audience expectation. I'm all for imagination and fantasy, but if you say you are billions of years in the future you have to stick to your promise and deliver something that looks like that very thing. Ignoring the very basics of how Earth and its lifeforms would have evolved in that vast timescale and instead presenting technology on a par with "Space 1999" and a few blue people isn't really going to cut it for me. So I lost interest very quickly, and the story was weak enough to dissapoint me completely. It was here that I suspected that Russell T. Davies wasn't a very good science fiction writer.

[Antony Cox]

As I’ve often mentioned, my DW collection is severely lacking and this covers most periods. Thus there are lots of stories which are generally known to be naff which I haven’t included because I don’t have copies and thus are too unfamiliar to me to be on this list, e.g. Underworld, Meglos, Mutants, Time Monster, Monster of Peladon, etc. I also have hardly any missing story soundtracks so again, stories such as The Space Pirates do not appear here.

10. The Invasion of Time
I’ve recently bought the DVD after never having a copy of the story before (though I have seen it at least once, many moons ago). The first four episodes are OK-ish – there’s some good performances here and there but the Vardans are just awful, not only in their tinfoil-ness but there completely non-threatening voices and characterisation. If that was the end of the story then it probably would even be on my list but then along come the last two episodes which completely let it down. I really don’t understand the point of having the Sontarans in the story as nothing actually happens of note in either episode. And then there’s Derek Deadman.

9. Frontier in Space
A sound idea awfully realised. It’s horrendously dated and there’s far too much going round in circles in terms of what actually takes place.

8. The Web Planet
Not so much rubbish as just utterly boring.

7. The Krotons
Boooooooring! Next?

6. Vengeance on Varos
Another good idea poorly realised. Looks awfully cheap and nasty now, but at least has the wonderful Nabil Shaban.

5. Paradise Towers
A good story underneath it all but it’s appallingly realised. I’m sure I don’t have to go into detail…

4. Warriors of the Deep
This story has very little going for it. The Sea Devils & Silurians are horribly contrived in the way they’re scripted, and the story is a bit naff, And then there’s the Myrka.

3. Twin Dilemma
Oh dear! Colin’s a bit to OTT in this for a start. The twins are dire, Hugo Lang is quite pathetic (as is the actor playing him) and that security woman is just awful. Maurice Denham shines as always, and Edwin Richfield is pretty good underneath that enormous costume, but neither of them can save it. In fact, to quote myself: “They’re wasted on this crap!”

2. Battlefield
It’s utterly cringe-worthy all the way through. Sylvester tries far too hard and fails miserably, and nearly every other member of the cast hams it up like rotten. It’s awful, completely awful. So awful in fact that I simply can’t watch it.

1. Timelash
Dear God, it never got any worse than this, IMHO. Where do I start? Bland sets - whoever designed this story just couldn’t be bothered, even if there was zero budget. Foam rubber monsters – that thing in the dungeon looks like something from Fraggle Rock, and that pink thing with the camp voice?? I mean, who in their right mind gave the go-ahead for that?? Music – thank God this was Liz Parker’s only contribution to the series if that’s what she generally churns out. Drab performances – the guest cast are mostly just going through the motions. Saying that, the actor playing the Borad was good, as was the make-up for his face, and Paul Darrow is enjoyable to watch even though he’s hammier than a ham sandwich in Hammersmith.

[shada pavlova]

You ever tried saying "Nabil Shaban" ten times fast?

[SiHart]

How did I miss Battlefield off my list? That was an oversight!

Si xx

[Wayne]

You ever tried saying "Nabil Shaban" ten times fast?

It's easier than 'Peggy Babcock'. I rarely get past twice!

[Antony Cox]

How did I miss Battlefield off my list? That was an oversight!

Si xx

Oh my!

[shada pavlova]

It's easier than 'Peggy Babcock'. I rarely get past twice!

yeah, but saying "Nabil Shaban" quickly sounds even funnier.

[SiHart]

Oh my!

Tis true.

Battlefield
Oh dear! There's a script that's in need of at least another couple of rewrites to make it decently and consistently paced (and I'm not even mentioning the oh so convienent note from The Doctor to the Doctor to get the plot to get the Doctor to move to the next scene). A director unable to coax the best out of his lead actors. A Doctor who gives one of the most embarassing performances from a lead ever and a stunningly slow first episode of the season. Then Keff wraps it all up in a really inappropriate score.
I know it's loved by some fans, but really it's just rubbish.

Si xx

[Zbigniev Hamson]

The end of the world

Nothing ruins an episode of "Doctor Who" for me more than obviously stupid, bad script excuses for science that ignore all intelligent audience expectation. I'm all for imagination and fantasy, but if you say you are billions of years in the future you have to stick to your promise and deliver something that looks like that very thing. Ignoring the very basics of how Earth and its lifeforms would have evolved in that vast timescale and instead presenting technology on a par with "Space 1999" and a few blue people isn't really going to cut it for me. So I lost interest very quickly, and the story was weak enough to dissapoint me completely. It was here that I suspected that Russell T. Davies wasn't a very good science fiction writer.

Very true. But at least there was some token effort made to try and make it feel somewhat removed from the modern day, with some evidence of history getting garbled and the last true human left alive as a piece of skin. Compare that to Utopia, set several SQUILLION years beyond even this, and suddenly everyone's completely human again and using plastic computer keyboards that look like they were freshly bought from PC World.

[Rob McCow]

Compare that to Utopia, set several SQUILLION years beyond even this, and suddenly everyone's completely human again and using plastic computer keyboards that look like they were freshly bought from PC World.

Yeah, but that far into the future anybody's predictions are valid.

The problem is that even setting a story 10 years into the future means that whatever you predict is likely to be wrong. I want my T-Mat and Gravitron, but they haven't turned up.

Humanity might be completely unrecognisable, extinct, or exactly the same within 1,000 years. Who knows? But it makes it a far more accesible story if you keep your characters vaguely human.

[Antony Cox]

I want my T-Mat and Gravitron, but they haven't turned up.

Will T-Bag and Gravy Train do for the moment?

[Si Hunt]

This is very easy, because all Doctor Who stories for me divide into two categories: the ten-odd that I hate, and the rest which I don't. Occasionally one clambers out the pile on re-watching ("The Web Planet" found some entertainment value on DVD) but essentially this the Hall of Shame:

10. The Impossible Planet/The Satan Shit

Horrid, sweaty, macho nonsense. It was dull, which the new series rarely is, and even the big CGI beast did NOTHING. Because apparently his spirit had "left him". Cheers. Rumoured appearance of Sutekh failed to turn up.

9. Colony In Space

A big old tedious blur. I seem to remember lots of men with moustaches, a dull gravel pit and a bloke with a fake claw. Even the Master fails to liven this one up.

8. Ghost Light

The Fan Writer has arrived! Which means the Doctor witters on like a thesaurus for the whole story, nothing whatsoever makes sense and we're supposed to embrace this because it makes us look clever. Oh, but the people in the house are all mad! Shame that, or we might have a clue what the frick is going on!!

7. Warriors Gate

See above. "Ghost Light's" younger brother. It's all arty, but none of it makes sense. What's all that business with people walking into black and white worlds and time flashing back and forth? Romana's farewell is also niggling, because Tom appears to be both ushering her away and smiling, neither of which is consistent with a character the Doctor is supposed to be fond of. To say nothing for bundling K9 along with her, supposedly his "second best friend". There are a dozen possible reasons for this, but at the end of the day it just doesn't make sense.

6. Underworld

An enigma, because it always SEEMS like it's going to be good. But you get to Part 2 and somehow no-one can ever remember beyond that point.

5. The Dominators

I know nothing about this story. I have a lingering memory that once was enough, and I've never wanted to justify that memory enough to find out more. I'm quietly happy that there is one Doctor Who story I've effectively never seen.

4. 42

Great! A story that rips off the worst New Series story yet! Same setting, same premise, silly enforced "catchphrase" and Michelle Collins is crap. Dull!

3. The Monster of Peladon

"The Curse of Peladon" was bad enough, but this is longer, with a wetter guest cast and a duller plot. Donald Gee is not so much acting as shoe shopping accross town, Pertwee has had enough and the image that lingers is Rex Robinson in a badgers wig banging on about miners rights. At least they have central heating in their mines! What's he complaining about.

2. The Invisible Enemy

Poor sets, a monster so immobile he has to be carried and lots of people with silly cotton wool on their faces running about. If only Phillip Hinchcliffe hadn't blown the budget for THIS story on his swansong stories eh?

1. Time Flight

A production team at the end of the season who have no money steer a cast who don't care through a pointless runaround on a cardboard set. Mindnumbingly tedious.

There you go. No room even for "The Power of Kroll"!

Si.

[Zbigniev Hamson]

Yeah, but that far into the future anybody's predictions are valid.

The problem is that even setting a story 10 years into the future means that whatever you predict is likely to be wrong. I want my T-Mat and Gravitron, but they haven't turned up.

Humanity might be completely unrecognisable, extinct, or exactly the same within 1,000 years. Who knows? But it makes it a far more accesible story if you keep your characters vaguely human.

Well there's some truth in that, but then if I want easily accessible drama that doesn't tax my imagination I'll watch Eastenders. There's nothing wrong with making your audience think a little, or asking them to use a bit of imagination, especially not in a programme like Doctor Who.

[SiHart]

That's very true. However, Doctor Who's predictions of the future, even the far future have always been a reflection of the time they were made and the technology of that time. You only have to look at the 70s stories set in the far future where massive banks of computers with reel to reel to tape are still the standard.

Si xx

[Wayne]

You only have to look at the 70s stories set in the far future where massive banks of computers with reel to reel to tape are still the standard.

And not just Dr Who.

[SiHart]

Well Doctor Who did use UFOs Reel to Reel machine a few times...

Si xx

[Larry]

And not just Dr Who.

the original series of Star Trek i think...

[Wayne]

the original series of Star Trek i think...

On the Enterprise they were more this style:



But i'm sure there were some knocking around on different planets. Although they were more often huge mothers like Landru.

[Carol Baynes]

Is that one of those self serve ticket machines on the Underground?

[Wayne]

Probably!
Star Trek had flip top mobiles 40yrs ago as well.

[Pip Madeley]

Second attempt at getting this posted - I typed loads yesterday and accidentally closed the window...

The Web Planet

The first disappointing Doctor Who story. An extremely brave move to attempt creating a completely alien world but for all the goodwill in the world it was a failure. The plot has so much padding that I bet it could all be easily fitted into a modern day New Series episode. As it is, it takes six episodes of running about before Barbara whips out her sphere and everything is solved. My main problem with the story is that I find it hard going, particularly the middle episodes - I always fell asleep during episode three whenever UK Gold repeated it. The costumes aren't too bad for the time, the Menoptera are rather good, but the Optera... I wouldn't show The Web Planet to anyone but a die hard fan. And even then they probably would laugh at the Zarbi crashing into the camera.

The Celestial Toymaker

The Toymaker sounds like one of the all-time classic Doctor Who villains on paper; an enigmatic being who can trap people in his surreal fantasy world and force them to play games for their lives... sounds good? Well, sound is all we have and listening to it is torture. Four episodes of the TARDIS crew playing party games (sadly three of those are on audio so that doesn't help matters) and the Trilogic Game is BORING. Hartnell is reduced to a hand, whilst poor Purves has to share the action with Jackie Lane as Dodo, easily the worst female companion the series has ever produced. You just want to slap her! And Cyril, the Billy Bunter-esque brat. Even the lovely Carmen Silvera can't save this one from my list of clunkers.

The Highlanders

Perhaps I'm unfair on this one, after all, I had a distaste for The Myth Makers (which I called The Yawn Makers) until I recently watched the Loose Cannon recon and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. But the period of Scottish history holds no interest for me and the story itself is rather forgettable, memorable only for the introduction of Jamie (and Frazer Hines is not exactly amazing here, but then it wasn't until the end of season four that I actually started to like his character, probably because he was sharing Ben and Polly's lines before then). It's certainly my least favourite Troughton story.

The Mutants

The viewing figures on original transmission started with 9.1m for episode one and dropped to 6.5m for the final episode. You could argue the weather caused the falling ratings but I'd like to think it was simply that the story was crap and people had sense to switch to BBC2 or ITV or just go outside. Sadly there's a very interesting and thought provoking idea under the panto antics and horrible music (Tristram Cary, I loved your Dalek stuff in the 60s, what the hell were you doing making this racket?). Even Jon Pertwee is phoning in his performance and Manning is simply 'okay' as Jo. As for the guest actors, even Geoffery Palmer doesn't escape this one without embarrassment. Paul Whitsun-Jones is like a panto villain and as for Rick James, I'd like to think Richard Ayoade was watching his performance as Cotton when he came up with the character of Dean Learner for 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace'. His acting skills are non-existent. Add in poor CSO and arse-paralysing padding and the only redeeming feature of this sorry mess is the design of the Mutts.

Terminus

My least favourite Doctor Who story ever, I'm afraid. It's just a dire runaround on a spaceship. Firstly, the plot. Surely the origins of the universe had already been sorted out in Castrovalva?! Why is it only Nyssa who contracts the disease? Tegan is mauled by lepers in episode one and yet she's fine. More importantly, there's no decent villain, and the Black Guardian is useless! Why can't he be seen to destroy the Doctor? He was all up for it in 'The Armageddon Factor'. Oh, and the Garm is cute rather than terrifying. It's hilarious when Sarah Sutton screams in front of it. Now, the actors. Davison looks bored and who wouldn't be when you're paired with Lisa Goddard for four episodes. Goddard is badly miscast and it doesn't help that she's wearing white spandex and a goldfish bowl as a helmet... and that hair! Jeez. Meanwhile Tegan and Turlough bitch under the floor for what seems like a decade... who cares! Is there anyone Tegan actually likes anyway? Poor Sarah Sutton though, she suffers most. Nyssa of Traken was a wonderful character - much better than wet Adric and moaning Tegan - and it's a disgrace she was given this shite as a farewell story. And exactly why would Nyssa take off her skirt?! Least she gets a decent, albeit brief, farewell scene. Then there's the direction... what little there is of it. And the music, what HORRIBLE music! Season twenty is my least favourite of all and this story is the absolute nadir.

The Twin Dilemma

Poor Colin Baker. He must have been delighted when JNT offered him the role, and after the amazing Androzani he must have had really high hopes for his tenure. But then they put him in *that* coat and they gave him *this* horseshit. His first villain was a giant slug for God's sake! Not that Colin can be completely absolved, he is guilty of some overacting at times (the bit where he suddenly turns into a coward is panto worthy). It's all just horrible to look at. Peter Moffatt was a 'safe pair of hands' but his direction was never going to win awards. Apart from the rather poignant scene where the Doctor holds the dying Azmael in his hands, it's silly. Colin and Nicola deserved better.

More tomorrow.

[Si Hunt]

When I first saw the "Mutants" I really liked Whitson-Jones' performance because he made me want to hit him. The character was really nasty and you hated him because, almost uniquely in Doctor Who, his crime is no more complex than being a racist. Often Doctor Who deals in parallels, but this is too straightforward to be a parallel; he hates the Solonians because they are different. And it's a really nasty form of racism too - he calls them "a disease, to be wiped off the face of the planet". It came over to me as a very powerful story.

The first disappointing Doctor Who story.

Do you mean from a modern day perspective? At the time they loved it.

Si.

[Pip Madeley]

From my perspective, that's all I have after all I like everything before that story.

[Phillip Culley]

Hmmm...

Doctor Who and the Silurians - this one goes on for far too long, and really doesn't have the story to back it up.

The Mutants - another overlong story which has some interesting ideas, but sends me to sleep in the process.

Planet of the Daleks - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Planet of Evil - Looks nice, but the story completely fails to hold my interest.

The Masque of Mandragora - Very uninteresting.

Underworld - Starts off well, but falls apart very quickly.

The Leisure Hive - Visually stunning, shame the story is a load of guff.

Four to Doomsday - Quite dull, with a embarassingly pitiful performance from Adric.

Revelation of the Daleks - I still fail to see how this tosh can be seen as a classic!

Ghost Light - Like a lot of stories on this list, a wonderful set, let down by a bad story.

And while there are a lot of obvious stories missing from this list, I've always found the bad but watchable stories better than the dull ones