Things That Happen On TV That Don't Happen In Real Life

[Si Hunt]

Russell T made me smile by namechecking a few of these in his book. Like someone going to leave a room after a conversation, turning and then saying:

"Oh, by the way..."
"What?"
(smiles)
"Thanks."
(leaves)

No-one ever does that in real life! And people ending telephone conversations without saying "Bye". That NEVER happens in real life, but "Eastenders" is rife with it.

I've thought of another one. Frequently on TV, particuarly in soaps, someone will be standing looking distraught after hearing some bad news or after a secret or affair has been revealed. Then another character will go up to them, say something like "Are you coming over the road for a drink love?" and COMPLETELY FAIL TO SEE THE DEVASTATED OR CONCERNED LOOK ON THEIR FACE before leaving, happy. All the time!

Any more?

Si.

[Jon Masters]

People in soaps never seem to be out of work for more than 10 minutes, unless the point of their character is they are out of work. Otherwise they get given a job in the shop / bar / farm / factory, with no formal interview, no checking of qualifications and then seem to be able to do the job without needing any kind of advice or training whatsoever.

Family members of companions who seem obsessed with their personal safety as a first priority. They must live on a knife edge every day of their lives:
DONNA: Gramps, I'm just popping on the bus down to the shops, then I might catch the train into town
CRBBINS: Yeah, but will you be safe, coz that bus driver will have to answer to me if you aint.

No-one ever gets diarrhoea or a cold unless for comic effect.

[Si Hunt]

Also, we've noticed that whenever anyone gets a job on TV, they never discuss wages! That'd be the first thing you'd ask in real life. But it's always...

"Fancy a job working in the caff?"
"Yeah, great. When can I start?"
"Right now?"
(dons pinny and puts on toast)

Wages? Working hours? Health Insurance Benefits? Never gets mentioned!

Si.

[Rob McCow]

Talking to someone while looking away from them, possibly facing a wall or looking out of the window. This is usually done by the director so you can get the other person reacting in the shot at the same time.

I have actually tried this when feeling annoyed. All that happened was that no-one could hear me and I had to turn around.

[Si Hunt]

Another thing is people with evil intentions give a sneaky 'evil' look over the shoulder of someone they are hugging and pretending to like.

Actually I'm going to try and do this more in future, it sounds fun. But you're rumbled if someone walks in behind them.

Si.

[SiHart]

No time traveller in a Police Box ever comes to visit me.

Si xx

[Si Hunt]

Maybe he does and you're just not noticing.

Is that a wheezing and groaning I can hear outside?

Si.

[Dave Lewis]

Another thing is people with evil intentions give a sneaky 'evil' look over the shoulder of someone they are hugging and pretending to like.

How do you know this never happens? As a non-evil person you cannot know their twisted and wily ways. Or were you once hugged by an evil person in a room with a mirror at each end and you saw their expressionless visage as they wrapped you in their joyless embrace?

[Stuart Wallis]

Most of the crimes on telly seem to be solved by an individual, say Columbo, rather than a team. Mostly though, these individual will be a gifted amateur making the police look like bumbling oafs who don't know the first thing about their full-time profession (Holmes, Miss Marple etc.).

[Si Hunt]

Policemen incompetent? It could only happen on the telly.

Si.

[Martin Penny]

Nobody ever says 'I don't know what your talking about!' when being confronted by somebody. It happens in everything!

[Si Hunt]

Everyone on telly is rich without having a job. I mean, they just dish out money. Kids bored? Pluck a twenty from your wallet. "Go into town".

WHAT DOES MAX FROM EASTENDERS DO FOR A JOB? In fact who the hell pays the mortgage on that house?! Yet he supports a family of four!

Si.

[SiHart]

No-one uses a launderette through choice in real life.

Si xx

[WhiteCrow]

Yeah - even when they're poor they're always popping to the cafe for a fry up/coffee - they never seem to have a kettle in their own home/place of work.

[Si Hunt]

And surely no-one in real life who doesn't regularly attend AA meetings spends every single evening in the pub.

Si.

[Pip Madeley]

Five from me:

• A taxi always appears when you need one.
• Nobody ever bothers to put the steer lock/alarm on when leaving their car.
• Nobody uses Google, Yahoo or Hotmail.
• You can avoid getting shot or blown up by mearly jumping through the air (in slow motion).
• Thunder/lightning suddenly appears when something bad happens.

[Phillip Culley]

Nobody uses Google, Yahoo

That's cause - at least in the US - they always seem to use FinderSpyder (although is it fair to criticise something beyond their control, since using Google or Yahoo would be seen as advertising?)

Plus everyone seems to have eternal bladders - despite drinking lots of booze, do you ever see someone at the pub say 'hang on - I need to use the little boys room'?

[Andrew Curnow]

Nobody ever bothers to put the steer lock/alarm on when leaving their car.

I never do that!

[Si Hunt]

Plus everyone seems to have eternal bladders - despite drinking lots of booze, do you ever see someone at the pub say 'hang on - I need to use the little boys room'?

Actually it does happen occasionally, if you look out for it. One of our cherished bits of Corrie a few years ago was a line said in the pub by someone - "He's in the loo. Just gone.". It sounded really funny in context, because it was said so casually. "Just gone". It's not only informing us that the character is, fictionally, at this moment, sitting pants down on the toilet, but also providing a quick estimation of how far he is through the process.

Likewise, "I think I need a wee and all" was a genuine Sonia Jackson line in "Eastenders" a few years ago.

Si.

[Alex]

Five from me:

• Nobody ever bothers to put the steer lock/alarm on when leaving their car.

Nobody ever looks before getting out of a car either, presumably just knowing that no one's going to hit them.

Also, statistically, very few cops die one day before they were due to retire.

One thing that did happen to my grandfather was him putting a briefcase on the top of his car, only for it to open up and the five grand he'd just withdrawn from the bank flew everywhere in a very strong wind. Fortunately, nearly everyone was honest and he only lost a total of about fifty quid, whereas I imagine in a tv show / movie he'd not have got much back of it at all.

[Si Hunt]

I once left a breifcase outside an office of a major telecommunications company in Leeds. It was reported as a suspected bomb and the area was cordoned off...

Meanwhile tonights "Eastenders" yeilded another one... people who stand outside houses looking up at them quizically before going inside. NEVER HAPPENS!

Also tonight they left a man alone in a prison cell with a remand prisoner accused of trying to murder him!

Si.

[Andrew Curnow]

Another one, I'd reckon - on TV, people go into other people's houses and pick up their photos to have a look at them. I don't think anybody would really do that - you might well have a look, but you wouldn't move them surely?

[Dirk Gently]

No one ever has to get tissue after having sex, there never seems to be an argument about sleeping on the wet spot & everyone seems to wake up with perfect hair & fresh breath by the way they kiss a soon as they wake up.

[Si Hunt]

And the woman always comes downstairs wearing one of the man's shirts just after sex! OY! I've just ironed that!!

Si.

[Simon R]

I think someone said they were going for a wee on Corrie last week and Carla uttered the immortal line "I'm just going for a piddle" a few months ago because we were shocked at the time. Maybe it was an ad-lib?

One thing people always do on TV but never in real life - ether buy (in a cafe or whatever) or prepare a meal or a fancy drink but then decide they're not hungry or thirsty so either leave it all or chuck it in the bin.

WHO DOES THAT!?