Jokes!

[Trudi G]

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove, These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love
Ron.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Andrew Curnow]

Funny and clever!

[Pip Madeley]

That's why I love her.

[Trudi G]

A Womans Vocabulary..

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

[Stephen Morgan]

A Womans Vocabulary..

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Believe me Trudi, I've been there on more than one occasion

Anyway, here's a joke that tickled me from yesterday's Daily Mail.

The seven dwarfs went off to the mine one day, leaving Snow White at home with the housework and to prepare their lunch boxes.
When she went to the mine with the lunches she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Fearing the worst she tearfully yelled into the mine entrance "hello, is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?"
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "England might beat Australia next time."
"Thank goodness" said Snow White, "At least Dopey's still alive."

[MacNimon]

Prince Phillip was on a goodwill trip to Scotland and was scheduled to visit a hospital in Glasgow.

Upon arrival, he was shown into a men's ward which was full of elderly gentlemen. He approached the first and said Hello, how are you? whereupon the man in the bed said, 'Wee sleekit, cowrin', tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie, thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi' murd'ring pattle!?'

Somewhat nonplussed, HRH smiled nervously and moved to the next bed but, before he could speak, the occupant of the bed began, 'Ye flowery banks o' bonnie Doon, How can ye blume sae fair? How can ye chant ye little birds, And I sae fu' o' care'?

Moving quickly on, he came to the third bed whose occupant began to rant, 'Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the pudding-race'!

By now completely confused, the Prince turned to the doctor who was
showing him round and said " Is this the Psychiatric Ward? " to which the doctor replied " No, it's the Serious Burns Unit! "

[Stuart Wallis]

Mind you, this must be a joke - the thought of Prince Philip going on a goodwill trip?

[Trudi G]

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[Trudi G]

A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know
we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to cry "
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
She increases the speed to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.
...65 mph. "And," he says, i want the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want dear?
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The AIRBAG."

[Trudi G]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .



(scroll down)





















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Stuart Wallis]

David Beckham's in America, you may have noticed. He had a bit of trouble getting the right plane tickets, and got economy class. One of the stewardesses checked his ticket as he entered business class.

"I'm sorry sir," she says, "but you can't come into this part of the plane."

"But I wanna sit up the front," says he.

The stewardess replies "But I'm afraid you've not got the right sort of ticket sir."

"But I wanna sit up the front," he persists.

Then one of the passengers comes up and takes yer man to one side, Eventually Beckham turns round and says "Oh, alright then" and takes his seat in economy. The other man then sits in business.

During the flight, the stewardess says to the other man, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but what did you say to Mr. Beckham?"

And he says, "Well I just told him that the front carriage is only going as far as Bermuda."

[SiHart]

Harry Hill did the Corn Flakes joke about his senile old Nan a few years back. It's a winner!

Si xx

[Trudi G]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-downy thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)











When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!!!

[Dirk Gently]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!

How sweet.

[Si Hunt]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of coffee.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," replies his brother-in-law.
"Where did it go?", asks Arthur.
"I can't remember."

Si.

[Dirk Gently]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
''I'm doing some research for vaseline. Have you ever used the product?''

She said, ''Yes. My husband and I use it all the time!''

''If you don't mind my asking,'' he said, ''what do you use it for?''

''We use it for sex,'' she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. ''Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you have been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?''

The woman said: ''I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.''

[Si Hunt]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a  £10 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

[shada pavlova]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Here's a quick one:

Three chess enthusiasts are reminiscing about their past victories in a hotel reception, when the manager asks them to go away. When one of them asks why, the manager replies "Because I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

Boom-boom!

[Dirk Gently]

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[Dirk Gently]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[shada pavlova]

I couldn't breathe after reading that, I was laughing so hard.