Doctor Who - The Nightmare Movie

[Rob McCow]

OK, OK, some people really like Russell Brand. But playing Doctor Who? Let's put it this way, he wouldn't be my top choice.

Also not my top choice would be Martin Freeman. The guy who managed to make Arthur Dent an unlikable, miserable character in the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to The Galaxy.

But what would really make the Doctor Who movie a total, irredeemable train wreck? What are the most disastrous decisions they could possibly make? How could they get it so very, very wrong?

Should it start with the regeneration from Paul McGann? Then perhaps The Face of Boe and The Meddling Monk could put the Doctor on trial for a crime he didn't commit. He'd promptly escape from a maximum security black hole, steal a TARDIS, land on Earth, sleep with Megan Fox and finally reconcile his differences with his father Rassilon (played by Sam Neill) in an exciting battle against the Cyberdaleks of Mars.

Actually that sounds f***ing brilliant.

Key Quotes:
Doctor: 'This isn't justice, it's *******ing ****!'
Face of Boe: 'Do you also find the Doctor's involvement in Project Omega similarly guilt-ridden, the Meddling Monk?'
The Meddling Monk: 'Guilty I say! Never was a man - a Time Lord Man - more so guilty!'

Megan Fox: 'I want you to look at something, Doctor.'
Doctor: 'I just need to finish my tea first.'
Megan Fox: 'I think you'll like it.'
Doctor: 'Your beautiful lips are even more delicious than my cup of tea.'

Rassilon: 'Oh son. I searched all of time and space for thee. Now have I found thou. Majestically, I weep at our reunion.'
Doctor: 'Yes I was.'
Rassilon: 'Now, let us slay some Cyberdalek ass - together!' (Winks)
Doctor: 'Did I just hear you say Cyberdalek ass?! ***** yeah!'
Rassilon: 'Fire up Bessie and let us blast thine Cyberdalek asses all the way back to Mars!'

[J.R. Southall]

I think the movie will start with someone dressed as Peter Cushing handing someone dressed as Bernard Cribbins a set of keys, and saying, "I'm too old for this time-travelling lark, perhaps you'd like the keys to TARDIS? And please look after my annoying grand-daughter Susan, who wants to come along for the trip."

Yeah, I can see that.

[Jon Masters]

Any of the following could be a nail in the film's coffin:

Johnny Depp
A busty, bolshy female companion, probably American
References / flashbacks to the Doctor's life as a boy on Gallifrey
A female Master
A new Universe- conquering alien race which is explicitly shown to be tougher than the Daleks (don't dis our baddies )
Visits to past Earth that only involve US history (or even worse, the US version of world history)
A cute / CGI alien or robot
A spaceship dogfight
A 'Quest-type' storyline where they must collect the Three Testicles of Rassilon before they are used by the ZZZaaaarp to build the Time Totalaganagun.
Area 51

[Awesome Wells]

Any of the following could be a nail in the film's coffin:

Johnny Depp
A busty, bolshy female companion, probably American
References / flashbacks to the Doctor's life as a boy on Gallifrey
A female Master
A new Universe- conquering alien race which is explicitly shown to be tougher than the Daleks (don't dis our baddies )
Visits to past Earth that only involve US history (or even worse, the US version of world history)
A cute / CGI alien or robot
A spaceship dogfight
A 'Quest-type' storyline where they must collect the Three Testicles of Rassilon before they are used by the ZZZaaaarp to build the Time Totalaganagun.
Area 51

I agree. The JNT era should never be recreated on the big screen.

[Dirk Gently]

Any of the following could be a nail in the film's coffin:

Johnny Depp
A busty, bolshy female companion, probably American
References / flashbacks to the Doctor's life as a boy on Gallifrey
A female Master
A new Universe- conquering alien race which is explicitly shown to be tougher than the Daleks (don't dis our baddies )
Visits to past Earth that only involve US history (or even worse, the US version of world history)
A cute / CGI alien or robot
A spaceship dogfight
A 'Quest-type' storyline where they must collect the Three Testicles of Rassilon before they are used by the ZZZaaaarp to build the Time Totalaganagun.
Area 51

Well, that's my PS audio script knackered!!