In other news, Stavros Mountbatten, the well-known Duke of Edinburgh, has announced his retirement from public life, to take effect in the autumn.

"The wife told me to shut up," he explained, "so I decided to take her advice."

"A mere seventy years too late," stated an anonymous Prince of Wales.

He will be spending his spare time returning to his hobbies of shooting endangered species; driving down the Mall in a motorised bath chair waving an egg whisk and a sink plunger; and yelling "Remember 1966, Fritz!" and "Yanks go home!" at passing tourists.

Stuart Wallis, royal reporter for the Planet Skaro website, said, "If Price Harry doesn't start speaking cobblers, or if the Duke of York doesn't get himself into more deep trouble, there goes my act!"