Newspaper Story

[Trudi G]

Here's a thread for the amusing little newspaper stories that make us all giggle.

Here's mine....

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised to get out and meet people, the local court heard last week.
Thomas Aloysius McCarney with an address in south Galway was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.
Solicitor for the accused Ms Sharon Fitzhenry said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.
Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey, she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like Isnt that right, Donkey?
Supt John McBrearty told the court that Mr McCarney who had signed in as Mr Shrek had told hotel staff that the donkey was a family pet and that this was believed by the hotel receptionist who the supt said was young and hadnt great English.
Receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of super rabbit which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the gardai.
McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed. He was removed to Mill St station after which it is said he was the subject of much mirth among the lads next door in The Galway Arms.
He was fined 2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

[Si Hunt]

Ms Legover? The Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837?

I think this was a bit early for April 1st.

Si.

[Dirk Gently]

Those were my thoughts too, Si. It was remotely plausible until the Legova name & then just seemed to silly.

[Rob McCow]

A BUM DEAL!

A German belly dancer who checked into hospital to have her thighs trimmed ended up with just one butt cheek after the plastic surgeon hoovered out her right buttock, Ananova reports.

Julia "Cleopatra" Meyer, 38, of Munich, said of her liposuction ordeal at the Berlin Charit hospital: "I had been unhappy with my saddlebags, the fat stored in the outer thigh area. Because of the local anaesthesia I did not realise what he was doing. When I saw afterwards that half of my bum was missing I almost fainted. It had been completely sucked away."

Unsurprisingly, the matter ended in court, where Meyer was awarded 12,000 damages against the unnamed private plastic surgeon. The court heard her career is dead and the poor woman "does not even dare to go to a swimming pool because she is ashamed of the way she looks".

A consultant at the Berlin Charit hospital chipped in his expert opinion, describing the arse reduction as a "grave error in treatment".

You can kiss your behind goodbye!

[Si Hunt]

She probably should have just turned the other cheek.

Si.

[Rob McCow]

A first class British Airways passenger got short shrift from cabin crew after expressing his displeasure at waking up to find them maneovering a corpse into the seat next to him, the Daily Mirror reports.

The elderly woman had apparently died shortly after take-off, and was quickly upgraded from economy to first class

Building firm boss Paul Trinder, who'd stumped 3,000+ for the Boeing 747 flight from Delhi to London, recounted: "I woke up to see the crew manoeuvering what looked like a sack of potatoes into the seat. But slowly through the darkness I realised it was a body. The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor. It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows.

"Then the relatives were allowed to sit in First Class and spent the next five hours wailing and weeping. When I complained, I was told to 'get over it'. I was also told BA's corpse policy would remain 'unless I've got any better ideas'. In future, if I have a choice of airlines on a particular route I'll choose anyone but BA."

BA told the Daily Mirror: "We apologise, but our crew were working in difficult circumstances and chose the option they thought would cause least disruption."

Oh, that's got to be one of the perks of first class travel. Of course, we're left wondering if the corpse recieved an in-flight meal.

[Alex]

From Yahoo - http://uk.news.yahoo.com/pressass/20...e-5a7c575.html

Indian crowds burn effigies of Gere

Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere, a day after he swept up Celebrity Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty in his arms and kissed her several times during an Aids-awareness event.

In Mumbai, members of the right-wing Hindu nationalist group Shiv Sena set fire to glamour shots of Shetty and beat burning effigies of Gere with sticks.

Similar protests broke out in other cities, including Varanasi, Hinduism's holiest city, and in the northern town of Meerut, where crowds chanted "Down with Shilpa Shetty."

In a country where sex and public displays of affection are largely taboo, photographs of Gere embracing Shetty and kissing her on the cheek were printed on newspapers' front pages.

The two appeared at a press conference on Sunday in New Delhi to highlight the HIV and Aids epidemic among India's truck drivers.

In front of a cheering crowd, Gere kissed Shetty on the hand, then kissed her on both cheeks before embracing her to kiss her more.

Bejebus. That's just mental. I mean, a man politely kisses a woman, it's not as if there were tongues or anything, and people start burning effergies of the man? As much as Britain annoys sometimes, it does make me so glad that I live here when I read stories like that.

[Dirk Gently]

I'm sorry if this offends anyone as that isn't what I want but from my point of view the sub-continent countries aren't happy unless they are burning some effigy or flag of someone from the west.

[Si Hunt]

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has offered a 150,000 reward to help catch the robbers who raided the pub where he grew up and learnt to cook.

I can't believe that someone had the nerve to not only break into the pub, but actually hang around and teach themselves to cook before leaving!

Si.

[Matthew T]

Doctors Find Spiders Living in Boy's Ear

When a young boy went to see his doctor complaining of constantly hearing a faint popping noise he did not expect to be told he had spiders living in his ear.
It was not long before the sound in the nine-year-old's head started to become earache, so his mother took him to a GP.

Diane Courtney told the doctor in their home town of Albany, Oregon, that her son was hearing noises like "like Rice Krispies".

And after a short examination, Jesse Courtney literally could not believe his ears when the doc told him that a pair of eight-legged creepy crawlies had set up home in his head.

"They were walking on my eardrums," Jesse said, explaining the popping noise.

When Dr David Irvine flushed out the boy's left ear canal, the first spider came out dead.

But the other little blighter needed a second dousing before it came out - still alive.

Jesse was given the spiders - now both dead - as a souvenir and has taken them to school to show his pals.

[Dirk Gently]

The Metebelis spiders are getting more & more cunning. But the Doctor still vanquished them.

[Carol Baynes]

Of course, we're left wondering if the corpse recieved an in-flight meal.

Flight of the Living dead!